It has been a while since i last posted on my blog. The honest truth is i have not been in the mood to post or speak to anyone.. But i am back.. I vowed to continue sharing my story throughout my journey so I can’t stop now..

It was my other halfs chat with me yesterday that really made me wake up and try to climb out of the dark hole i found myself sucked into. That is the reality of being ill, it takes a toll on you in more ways than I can begin to describe.

“I want my wife back, i miss her” … those were his exact words to me as he began to explain how he feels my illness has changed me. He went on to admit that he missed how “energetic and full of life” i normally am, and how he regrets the many times when he used to joke with me and say “you have too much energy don’t you get tired ?” Whilst he is the more wise, calm and collected one in our relationship i was always the fiery loud one who “thought too much”, loved coming up with plans and could never stop talking – so chatty with those close to me i have been told i need a ‘mute button’! (How rude?! ..Its okay i know my family love me.. but do you blame them.. The length of my blog posts is enough of a hint).

This week i started my second cycle of chemo.. my worst experience with chemotherapy so far.. this is why..

So it was the 13th of July i went to the chemotherpy suite reluctantly.. I really didn’t want to be there but i knew i had no choice. I was allocated to my usual chair which was comforting and gave me a sense of security. The chemo nurse started off with the same usual checks (blood pressure, heart rate, oxygen levels and weight). She asked me which arm I wanted my chemo to run through so i chose my right arm for the first time – i thought giving my left arm a break would be wise.. My younger sister sat with me for the first hour and a half before she swapped with my other half who was with me for the rest of my chemo session. 

At first all seemed to be going well.. I had my first three chemo drugs.. with one to go i was begining to feel relieved that I could finally leave and go home.. I hate being in the chemo suite and the sooner i can leave it the better..

The chemo nurse attending to me that day told me she was putting up my last chemo drug and it would be an hour or so before i was done.. She put up the drug whilst i was busy chatting to my other half.. A few minutes into the drip i realised somethings was wrong.. Now i know this fourth chemo drug is the one that usually gives me a stinging sensation to begin with, but usually that is short lived and I usually tolerate it.. This time it was different, i felt like someone was settling my arm on fire literally.. I felt such an intense pain that my eyes were watering and I was fighting back my tears.. I thought to myself it might just settle if i hold on, since i hate making a fuss. It was only when I realised the pain was getting more intense by the second that i looked up at the chemo drip and noticed there was only one bag.. Being a doctor does come in useful at times.. I knew that this chemo drug is usually diluted using another drip ‘saline’ which is similar to water.. but i could see the nurse hadn’t done that. I called out to the closest nurse  i could see (my nurse was busy with another patient), I said i needed help as i was experiencing excruciating pain and my chemo drug had not been diluted. 

My nurse was immediately called and asked by the charge nurse to get a heatpack to place on my arm, whilst the other nurse put up a bag of ‘saline’ to dilute the drug and wash it through my veins.. 

This is what i was left with..

The chemo drug had caused my veins to inflame.. My arm was very painful.. I was angry and miserable.. 

Looking back i wish i had confronted the nurse rather than taking my anger home with me.. It seems strange saying this as i am a healthcare professional myself, but i strongly believe that most of the time patients are just treated as another entity.. As a patient I don’t want to be a tick box on a checklist of jobs sorted for the day.. I want good care.. Not pain!

I have asked for a PICC or Hickman line.. Basically they are thin hollow tubes which are put into larger veins via which i can recieve my chemotherapy.. These lines stay in for several months – until i finish my treatment. This means I don’t need needles poked in me each time I have chemo, also as larger veins are used the chance of causing any further incidents like the above is much less. I am waiting to hear back.. I will have a hissy fit and put my foot down if they say no.. I probably won’t knowing me.. But I’m serious.. I mean business..

This chemo has been more difficult than my previous sessions because the fatigue i have had has been from the start.. I hate being in bed and being inactive..

For those wondering.. I am not bald yet.. But its raining hair..

Anyway enough ranting, I am officially turning into scrooge.. My arm pain has gone now and i am getting my energy back.. It could be worse! I mean there are worse things to worry about.. seriously Ms Theresa May you put Boris as our foreign secretary, I am not into politics (clearly), but i hope Bojo does our flag proud abroad. Turkey.. ‘Drama’. The attacks on Nice are another horrific act of terrorism. More police shootings in the US.. This world needs a break.. So do I!

Right back to figuring out the tricks on Pokemon go.. Do not judge!!

I will leave you with some positive pictures..

Found this on my doorstep.. This friend does not get bored of me.. Loyalty at its peak.. In my fiancée’s own words she is a threat to him! Love this human..

Beautiful flowers, totally unexpected from a very cute person whose all the way in Dubai.. Aisha thank you sooooooo much!!!!!!!

I feel I’m getting my mojo back.. I need to for the ones i love..

Sending you all out there my love and prayers xxxx

Knowing me.. This isn’t going to be quick..

This last week has been a rollercoaster of emotions.. I have had some of my happiest moments since falling ill but i have also been at my lowest point.. The strongest of people will break at some point..

I am happy to say that i have been well and pain free over the last few days.. I even drove and went out for dinner with my fiance.. I wore heels again for the first time and put effort into dressing up.. I can’t describe how good it felt to go out and have a normal day. I have really missed wearing heels and for once wasn’t bothered by the blisters i was left with.. I am so thankful i had that opportunity and i hope it wont be the last time we go out!

Some snaps from our meal.. I probably ate things i’ve been told to avoid.. I’m not the model patient.. There is a rebel in me which comes out every now and then, a rebel who wants to live life like there is nothing wrong..

Now for some gloomy talk.. I am struggling to sleep these days, with only 4 hours of sleep maximum its not been great! I believe its a combination of my night sweats which wake me up and the side effect of the steroids i’m on.. It is no fun being tired and i certainly don’t enjoy the dark under eye bag look im rocking.. I am also unhappy about the weight i have gained which again is made worse by steroids.. I will talk about this separelty soon.. For now I plan to try and come off my steroids this week and see how things go (like all my problems will vanish.. It is always easier to find something to pin the blame on).. I have discussed stopping my steroids at length with my doctor. As a medical professional myself i understand the benefits of my medication and i will take them if i need them, i will never do anything that will compromise my health.

More gloomy talk.. I have broken down a few times this last week.. hitting rock bottom at times.. I am finding it very very very difficult to deal with my hair falling out.. Even writting about it makes my eyes well up.. I don’t think i am fully ready to talk about it just yet.. I wish, pray and hope i have enough of my own natural hair on my birthday.. I really don’t think that will be achievable even with only 13 days to go.. I am still waiting for my wig.. Anyway.. Maybe i’ll talk about hair another time.. I know my hair will grow back, i hear that a lot.. but until you walk in my shoes you won’t understand me.. 

So today i went into hospital for more blood tests and my monthly hormone injection (which helps reduce any damage to my fertility).. I’ve mentioned how horrific this injection is before but i haven’t shared a photo of it yet.. The injection is given into the belly.. I am not needle phobic in anyway, but the size of this needle is on a league of its own! If you are wondering.. Yes it is very painful.. And here’s the picture:

Yeah.. That gets jabbed into my tummy.. 

My next chemo is in 2 days.. I guess my main thoughts are about my hair falling .. I am expecting to feel unwell after chemo with nausea and sore mouth so that won’t be a surprise.. For now i will take each day as it comes and hope for the best..

Time to share some more flowers! My house hasn’t been flower free since i fell unwell.. I am truly grateful for the love and support everyone has shown.. Saying thank you is not enough..

Beautiful flowers from even more beautiful people.. What a lovely surprise i got today! Can’t wait to see these flowers bloom.. Thank you so so much

And.. Something from my better half.. Nothing compares to him being by my side during life’s toughest moments.. He is the best gift..

For all those continuing to follow my blog and journey i thank you so much for your support.. Sending you all lots of love xxxx

Today I want to share with you an encounter I had with a patient who I met whilst waiting to see my consultant yesterday.. I dedicate this post to her.. I have changed her name for the purpose of confidentiality (I’m sure she wouldn’t have minded me using her real name.. But as I didnt obtain her consent I feel uncomfortable doing so).

Yesterday the haematology clinic was running late.. My appointment was at 2pm but when I arrived the doctors were still seeing their morning patients.. and they hadn’t had their lunch.. a scenario I’m too familiar with myself having been in similar situations when seeing patients in clinics ..

So there I was sat alone (I have decided to attend my hospital appointments alone.. less stress for my family and I would rather deal with things alone).. sat opposite me was an elderly lady and her husband.. They kept making eye contact and smiling at me.. I’m not really good in these situations, I tried to keep myself busy by playing on my phone.. then the elderly lady finally broke that awkward silence and asked me what time my appointment was.. and from that point we never stopped chatting..

She asked me why I was waiting and so I told her that I was a patient and shared my story. She then shared her story with me. This post isn’t about me.. It’s about Shirley, a wonderful lady who touched me in many ways..

Shirley also has Hodgkins Lymphoma.. She has had it 14 times.. Yes FOURTEEN times!!! Her lymphoma has now spread to her brain.. She has had chemotherapy several times as well as radiotherapy.. She is currently on chemotherapy again (cycle 2).. 

This woman I can not begin to describe her.. She is so special.. She did not seem bothered about her situation, something she has taken on the chin and just deals with.. Shirley was more bothered about my situation!! Crazy right?? I mean I’m not as bothered.. She was so upset and kept telling me how unfair it was that someone as young as me would fall ill, and why can’t cancer be for those who are elderly and have lived their lives.. She kept repeating how sad she was hearing my story. I told her that I am a doctor, that I understand my condition and think i am coping pretty well.. But NO.. Her and her husband were really touched by my story.. I was completely baffled.. Here i was sat chatting to a lady who has had lymphoma 14 times and she was upset over my story?

I spent a long time chatting to Shirley, she shared her wealth of knowledge and experience with me.. She has been a patient in my hospital since it was first built in 1970! She told me how she had her appendix removed when the hospital was first built, she described the hospital being ‘as nice as a hotel’ back then, even the food was great which made her not want to leave.. She has seen medicine change over the years.. Before there was no chemotherapy and people with cancer never lived for long.. She also shared how doctors have changed over the years.. Doctors now are nicer and more approachable! (God bless my university ‘Barts’ for all the communication skills teaching we recieved..). Shirley told me how in the old days there was just an oncologist who saw patients with all forms of cancer, unlike now where we have so many subspecialists.. She told me her first oncologist was awful.. not knowledge wise but personality wise.. He never said hello and was dismissive, in contrast to her current doctors whose praises she would not stop singing..

Anyway enough of a history lesson.. What was interesting to hear from Shirley was that she has never felt ill with her lymphoma! She has never experienced the sore mouth which i get and her hair never completely fell out.. unlike my hair which is falling out in chunks now. We also talked about wigs and she told me how she used to be a hairdresser which was useful because when her hair did thin she was able to style it in a way that never showed.

One thing she kept repeating was how ‘lucky’ she was to still be alive.. she also shared what bothers her the most is people teling her to be positive.. Her exact words were “I sometimes want to tell these people would they be positive if they had cancer”.. I was surprised to hear her say that, because to me she seemed so positive.. a total inspiration.. obviously she didn’t share that belief with me..

So finally I was called by my consultant.. I said a quick goodbye to Shirley and her husband.. she wished me all the best and told me she would be thinking about me. She also said she really wished we had our chemotherapy scheduled on the same days so she could see me again.. Isn’t she a total sweetheart?? I wish I could have adopted her.. Can you adopt elderly people?? I loved shirley!! 

So i went in and saw one of the haematology consultants.. Basically i was told i will be having a repeat PET scan sometime during the first week of August.. That PET scan will determine whether my body is responding to chemotherapy.. Until then i have to sit tight and hope for the best.. There is a 15% chance that my lymphoma will not get better with the chemotherapy i am on and therefore they would then need to try something else.. But there is a 85% chance it will work.. I hope I am in the 85% category.. Whilst my consultant was talking about these figures and what i may need to face next I was thinking about Shirleys situation.. Poor lady.. Chemotherapy had not worked on her.. I’m not sure how I would deal with the news of chemo not working on me.. There is only so long you can hold a brave face for.

My consultant spent some time advising me to keep my brain busy, she has suggested i study, sit exams or do a diploma to distract myself.. Something i will be thinking about seriously in the coming days.

Anyway.. 

So i left the consultation room with this cloud of worry hovering above my head.. Am i going to get better on this chemo..

As i left the consultation room i bumped into Shirley again.. She had just come out of the room next to me.. As soon as she saw me she held onto my arm and told me to wait.. She called out to the consultant she had just seen who happened to have coincidentally come out of the room to collect some papers.. She told the consultant “this is her” pointing at me.. I was so confused thinking ‘what have i done’.. The consultant then asked me to follow her into her room.. At this point i was thinking ‘i swear i didnt make a fuss about an hours wait’.. Again i said a quick goodbye to Shirley who placed both her hands on my arms and told me she wished me all the best and hoped we would meet again..

So in i went, following this consultant i had never met before into her room.. She introduced herself and explained that she is the lead lymphoma specialist in the hospital and how she works in one of the big central london teaching hospitals too.. She APOLOGISED that she hadn’t seen me before and wasn’t aware i was a patient.. I felt so shy!! She explained how Shirley.. Yes my friend Shirley had told her all about me, she said Shirley thinks i am ‘wonderful’ and couldnt stop talking about me!! How awkward?? I felt hugely humbled and embarrassed.. So awkward! She went on to look through my records and told me she would always be here for me, i should never feel embarassed and that I could ask for help at any time.. How nice?? This consultant certainly deserves an award for being the kindest hameatologist ever! I thanked her a lot and hurriedly left her room to catch Shirley before she left the hospital..

Luckily i managed to see Shirley, i thanked her for the kindness and concern she had shown towards me.. I gave her a big hug and told her how touched i was.. Shirleys last words to me were “if i never get better it doesnt matter.. I just want you to get better”..

What more can i add.. What a incredible lady…

I hope we cross paths again.. I wish i took her number so i could stay in touch..

I have seen so much kindness from strangers.. I want to get better.. I want to be able to tell Shirley i am better and i want Shirley to get better…
The fight in me has grown so much bigger now.. I am going to beat my cancer!

Happy Eid to all those celebrating! For those mourning the loss of their loved ones in the tragic terrorist attack in Baghdad i send them my heartfelt wishes and pray that their upcoming Eid is more joyous.

My symptoms have significantly improved since yesterday (minus the night sweats which are becoming a part if me). Yesterday evening i drove for the second time in over 4 months.. I miss my car and getting behind the wheel.. I felt liberated just being able to drive to a local sweet shop to pick up some Eid sweets..

Today has treated me well.. I am so much better and not in any pain.. I spent the day with my loved ones, we had a nice feast and ate our hearts out! Yep i have definitely piled on some calories.. Other than wishing my dad had been with us I couldnt ask for more on such a day.. 

Let me share with you some pictures of our humble family celebration… Dad your presence was missed!

I would describe today as being absolutely fabulous in many ways.. Minus the most terrible movie which I watched in cinema with my family.. Now who picked the movie I’ll keep to myself (me).. As for which movie it was.. I don’t like telling tales.. I’m sure my blog title gives nothing away! But really I was sat there in the movie totally bewildered and confused as to why some people were laughing.. I myself laughed a few times, but merely at the fact that I was sat there bored to death.. Refusing to leave because I had paid for the ticket and thats that.

It’s getting late so i don’t want to write more.. I did see my consultant today.. Yes i was in hospital for an appointment even on Eid.. I will write about that separately tomorrow.. Today i just want to say i am very well and i send my love to everyone..

Before i fall into a deep sleep.. I have to thank one of the nicest and most loyal humans i know who sent me a stunning bouquet of flowers today.. Super fancy flowers which are so much more beautiful in reality.. Avan you’re one of a kind! 

Also i have to mention my mum.. my best friend, the closest human to me and my world.. Thank you for the Eid flowers, i love u!!!

Goodnight.. May everyones days be filled with love and the sweet scent of flowers xxxx

The last few days have been tough again.. With the return of my sore mouth, night sweats and fatigue sometimes the only words to describe how i feel is “fed up”… 

Chemotherapy is definitely no walk in the park, but knowing that my terrible symptoms only last several days gives me some sense of relief.. I have learnt a lot about patience..

What’s probably been most distressing these days is the return of my night sweats.. i don’t know what’s worse, waking up in a puddle of sweat or having a broken sleep pattern because of it. When my sweats first came back i went into complete panic mode thinking ‘my body stopped responding to the chemotherapy’.. but actually thinking it through it could simply be the side effect from my hormone injection which can give night sweats and hot flushes.. I’m seeing my doctor in two days and i have a repeat scan coming up in a months time.. So for now there is just no point stressing.. I’m going to be patient..

Hair updates.. I still have my hair!! But it’s begining to fall out.. Todays hair forecast is the worst so far, my scalp has began to feel tender and i lost a lot of hair in the shower.. If i just touch my hair it falls out, never mind running my hand through it.. I just pray and wish my hair doesn’t completely fall out before my birthday.. with only 20 days to go im not sure thats going to be the case.. but ill just hold on tight.. you never know..

I really dont have more to add today.. With whats happening in the world trust me my life is simply smooth sailing.. With Brexit, England out of Euro 2016 and the tragic terrorist attack on Baghdad i dont know what else can go wrong in such a short space of time..

On the positive side.. Wales is through to the quarter finals, Andy Murray won todays match, Boris Johnson won’t be our next prime minister, and despite all the terrorist attacks Iraq will always stand strong.

Eid is round the corner.. I hope to have my smile back in time (goodbye sore mouth), a full head of hair and plenty of sweets. Wishing all those celebrating Eid a happy day in advance..

Finally i can not thank those who have messaged me enough.. I am so thankful for all the support and prayers which are making my journey somewhat more bearable.. A big shout out to my community who showed so much love and care when my dad was unwell in 2013 and once again during my illness.. I am truly grateful..

From my gorgeous cousin in Belgium

This amazing gift from truly beautiful humans.. My favourite fruit aswell! Thank you so much!

Today’s lovely surprise.. I am so touched and grateful.. Thank you!!

Lots of love xxx

Yesterday I had my second shot of chemo meaning I’ve completed my first cycle.. Every 2 shots of chemo make up a cycle,  and I need a minimum of 6 cycles. Let the countdown begin..

So yesterdays chemo.. This is how it all went..

My appointment was at 12:30 but when I got there I was told my chemo medication was not ready so I had to wait around for just over half an hour. Luckily I had taken a magazine with me so I tried to keep myself busy.. I’m not the most patient of people.. I hate wating around!

Finally I was told my chemo medications had arrived and I was taken into the chemo unit where I chose the same seat as last time.. I prefer sitting in the corner where I have more privacy as well as a good view of the whole room… Trust me when you have to spend 4 hours in one seat you need to make the most of every form of distraction including people watching.. I sound like a stalker, but honestly as a doctor it interests me watching patients and trying to figure out what cancer they may have and how far they are in their treatment!

Having chemo is like being on a plane.. You are sat in a seat for hours trying to find anything to do to help time pass.. Chemo patients get ‘business class’ seats which recline how cool!!?? But chemo partners (my younger sister on this occasion) get standard ‘economy’ seats – not comfortable.

Anyhow enough waffling.. So yesterday the nurse couldnt find my veins so I had to stick my hand in a bucket of warm water – a bucket usually used for ‘infectious substances’ – to be fair it looked clean. I’ve never had the time and luxury to use warm water to help bring up my patients veins, since at work I’m usually always under time pressure, but the chemo unit is so chilled and they really take their time.

Finally a vein was found and my treatment began..

Luckily my younger sister had downloaded a movie on her laptop (Now You See Me) which we ended up watching whilst I munched on some fruits.. This really helped.. A great distraction which took my mind off the ‘stinging’ pain of chemo..

The chemotherapy itself was okay whilst I was receiving it…

However, about an hour after the treatment I really felt the chemo kick in.. I felt so drained as though I had been hit by a bus.. so off to bed I went.. 

Unfortunately I really struggled to sleep because I had awful nausea (no vomiting! Praise the lord), I’ve been given anti-sickness medication which I took, this did help for a while and then the nausea was back.. so that meant no dinner for me. I also felt very feverish and ‘shaky’ after this chemo treatment.. thankfully this wore off after a few hours.

This morning I feel much better, minimal nausea.. And may I mention.. I’ve woken up with a full head of hair!! I know my hair will begin to fall out soon.. but it feels great to know I’ve got one more day with hair.. I’m beginning to really appreciate my short hair.. some hair is really better than no hair!

Earlier, I described receiving chemo as being similar to a plane ride. The main notable difference is that when you get up from your plane seat to leave, you’re going to a destination to have fun.. Whereas with chemo, I get off my comfy recliner seat and go home carrying a mind full of worry.. how will my body react.. when will my hair fall.. will i get better…?

I’m glad I’m feeling better this morning.. I will try to down some breakfast.. only the upcoming days will tell what side effects I’ll get – hopefully none (fingers and toes crossed!)

Morning pills..

Got up this morning to banging on my home door.. Went to open the door to find I had a delivery.. 

I LOVEEEE MY FRIENDS!!!!!

Also.. 

From my little princess.. My cute niece.. So adorable!

Sending everyone lots of love and positivity xxx

Hi! I’m back…

The last few days have been great! I feel like my old self again, thankfully my B-symptoms (night sweats, fever and itching) have pretty much gone! Today i wore a pair of jeans and T-shirt again and finally i can throw away my granny nighties and get back into my usual PJs.. It feels so good to cover up with a duvet at night and not needing a fan blowing in my face constantly.. Normality.. It’s priceless!

Today i went into hospital to have my ‘Pre-chemotherapy bloods’ (my next chemo is this Wednesday). I was fortunate to bypass the long wait in the phlebotomy department as one of my friends/colleagues did my blood tests.. the perks of working in hospital.. It also meant i got to catch up with some of my colleagues.. Normality.. Seeing familiar faces and chatting away.. I do miss my work and colleagues, i just cant wait to get better so i can get back to doing what i enjoy.

In the last few days i spent a lot of time with myself thinking things through.. I’ve decided to push myself and do what i can whilst i’m going through better days as inevitably with time i will begin to go downhill again.. Chemo and its perks…

I’m thankful to still have my hair.. I know it will begin to fall out with my upcoming chemo sessions but i’m making the most of having hair.. I’m straightning it and curling it.. If your wondering how i’m curling short hair dont ask.. like my niece says i look like i’ve “just woken up from bed”.

One of my biggest worries at the moment is the weight i’m piling on.. Being on high dose steroids is not fun.. i’m not one who normally has a problem with weight, if anything i usually struggle to put on weight. Since i’ve fallen ill my weight has gone up from 49kg to 59kg.. It may seem that i’m more healthy now but with the steroids fat gets distributed unevenly – not nice. I’ve had to make a lot of lifestyle changes which i’ll talk about at a later stage.. Lets not bore you in one go..

Illness is not easy, everything changes and you have to keep adapting.. 

For now I am happy and content.. Today i am spending my evening eating out in a restaurant.. My last outing before chemo day

I’m looking forward to my next dose of toxic chemo as it means I will be one step closer to getting better (I pray)… 

In preparation for my next chemo my best friends made me the most amazing surprise! They left this beautiful chemo hamper on my doorstep.. I am grateful to be surrounded by so many loving people… 

How can I complain or be sad? Perhaps I was robbed of my health.. But I have so much more for which I am truly blessed..