Last week I started my third cycle of chemotherapy. I know there has been a delay in me writing as i usually avoid writing when I am sick.. 

This is the first time i’ve had chemotherapy through my PICC line which has meant no pain in my arm.. but it’s also been the chemo which has left me most unwell.. 

I began to feel pretty rubbish from the point of recieving the chemo.. The nausea has been indescribable as well as the sore mouth.. This is the first time I throw up after chemo.. Even my pills I struggled to keep down.. And trust me when you’re  on a bag full of medications it’s never going to be easy.. My medications have now been increased to 5 different tablets to help control my nausea alone.. 

I can’t remember the last time I threw up before falling ill.. I never imagined the day would come when i’m openly discussing throwing up.. I’d much prefer to talk about shoes.. but I have to vent and say I don’t particularly enjoy that burning sensation at the back of the throat.. Vomiting leaves you feeling as weak as can be.. Frail.. sometimes hopeless.. 

Back to medication talk (how exciting!) But I have to say.. How the hell do elderly patients take so many tablets in a day? I’m only on 8 different tablets (14 tablets to swallow per day).. I promise you I can’t remember to take them all always.. And sometimes I choose not to.. That sounds awful coming from a doctor, but currently i’m wearing my patient hat so no judging..

The bag of medicatins which I was given to take home..

I choose to not share any photos from my last chemo session as simply looking at them makes me want to gag!

So.. really the point of my post today is simply to say tomorrow my repeat scan will be discussed in a meeting and hopefully I will soon find out if chemo is working on me..

I don’t know if I’m excited or nervous, all I know is.. I need some good news!

Other than all of the above I am doing great! Looking more like a true cancer patient by the day but still standing strong with my army of family, friends, loyal readers and most importantly God.

One of my best friends Jichi advised I speak more openly about the struggles I go through.. I know I tend to brush over them in most my posts as I like to keep my blog as positive as I can.. But I’ve taken on board her advice.. I hope to dedicate a post about my low moments.. I will try to be as transparent as I can.. But for now I want to focus on my scan result..

I hope the next time I write a post I will be sharing some good news.. 

I leave you with love and hopeful wishes.. And ofcourse some pictures of gifts from my nearest and dearest..

From my beautiful friend Avan.. words can not describe the support and love you give me.. Day in and out.. You are literally family to me

Jich.. A friend, a sister, and a life long companion through thick and thin.. You know me too well!!! Thank you for this beautiful gift which I am totally obsessed with!!! You’re a gem!!! 

My amazing friends Jichi, Huda, Iman and Neam.. What an awesome surprise!!! How spoilt am I??? I’m so grateful for such loving best friends.. I love love love my new camera and trust me I will be snapping away.. Good memories I pray for.. Love you guys so so much!!!

And finally.. I was blown away when I recieved this card through the post from my GP family.. My colleagues and friends.. I truly miss you all.. I miss work.. I miss all the trainees.. I miss my programme directors.. the staff.. everyone.. Your love and support means so much to me.. I can’t wait to get better and be amongst you all.. Thank you so much for this card which left me tearful with joy… Thank you from my heart.. 

With love xxx

My schedule has been fully packed! I’ve been into hospital 6 days out of the last 9, aswell as having lots of home visits.. 

It was so lovely having my cousins from Canada and Belgium over last week.. After they left I had visits from our close family friends who live in South Africa, relatives from London and also my cousin who lives in LA came over (shes holidaying in London this summer).. An international week!!! I felt time fly by as i’ve been kept busy which is great..

As for my health.. I’ve been in and out of hospital as i’ve had problems with my PICC line which stems back to how my PICC line was put in.. The procedure was not straight forward and i’ve been left with a extra hole. Initially I was told by my doctor that the skin around it is infected.. This is how it looked last week:

Today it still feels sore but is looking a bit better, the bruising has gone down too.. Sorry the photos may not be that clear!

Yesterday I had my favourite hormone injection.. The big fat Zoladex.. I think i’ve began to get used to the jab.. and the marks it leaves on my belly..

Today… I HAD MY PET SCAN!!!!! But no I don’t have the result.. and i wont have the result until next week at the earliest.

It’s been a mixture of emotions.. Excitement and nervousness.. So much falls on this one scan.. It will determine the length of my chemotherapy treatment.. I have a minimum of 4 months left.. If the scan shows my cancer is shrinking we stick to the 4 months.. Otherwise the length of my treatment and the drugs I take will have to change.. 

I can’t even begin to think of what the results may be and how I will react.. I wasn’t this nervous when I was given the results of the tests which confirmed the diagnosis of cancer, as I had a strong inclination of what the results would show. However, with this scan I have literally no idea.. it’s 50/50.. the scan can go either way.. I need good news.. I will be devastated if after all that i’ve been through i’m told chemo isn’t working..
Anyway.. Let’s not think about that.. 

I took a few snaps to share with you when I went for my scan today..

The radioactive substance I am given through my vein an hour before having the PET scan:

The syringe with the radioactive material is covered with metal to protect the healthcare professional injecting me (so they don’t get unnecessary radiation)..

The scan room..

The whole process took just over an hour and a half.. Whilst most patients would probably sleep as they are going through the scanner, I lay there wide awake.. I kept repeating prayers and reading verses from the Quran.. Praying that the scan would show i’m doing well.. I’m desperate for some good news.. Its been 3 months since I was diagnosed and my journey has been rocky.. I need some positive news to help me go on.. I don’t want to fight a losing battle.. 

Anyway.. Tomorrow I start my third cycle of chemotherapy.. It will be the first time my PICC line is used for chemo.. I pray it goes well.. I am worried because the skin around my PICC line is sore, I hope chemo doesn’t make it worse..

I hate chemo so much.. It is the worst treatment anyone can have.. Nothing about it is pleasant.. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick.. Thats why I need a good scan result.. I need to know that what i’m going through is worth it..

Ending on a flowery note..

The most gorgeous bouquet of flowers from my beautiful cousins Rania and Noor who got me these beauties fresh from their trip to Holland.. They came directly to my house to give them by hand so they are still fresh.. How amazing are they??? I LOVEEEE these flowers.. And LOVE you both soooo much!! Thank you!!

Such pretty orchids and gifts from my cousin Arib from LA… Seeing her and her famiy really made my day.. Her kids are adorable!! I hadn’t seen them for a few years so their visit meant so much.. I LOVE YOU Arib, Hadi, Hassoni, Sally and Mimi xxxxxx

The candy tasted devine… Yummy..
The cutest card from the children.. They are so adorable!!!!!

I pray everyone has family and friends who are supportive and loving like mine.. I am so grateful for all the blessings in my life..

I leave you with lots of love and hope.. XxxxX

Away from the health side of things this week has been one of the best!!!! 

On Tuesday after returning from the scan at hospital I was laying in bed playing on my phone, the doorbell rings.. nothing strange.. It had to be my sister coming back from work. As my mum was downstairs she opened the door. Now my room is close to the stairs and I always keep my door fully open which means I can hear what goes on downstairs. I could hear my mum saying hello and kissing people.. More than one person.. We have no planned guests.. So nosey me gets out of bed, and pops my head from the staircase to see whats going on…

To my surprise I see my cousins on my doorstep!!! 2 of my cousins from Belgium and one of my cousins from Canada with her little son!!! Like seriously!! They actually came to London for one night just to see me and surprise me… All my family knew and were in on the surprise!!! So I ran down the stairs and there were so many hugs.. 

My energy levels were at their highest when my cousins were here.. I have never been so jolly and hyper.. The usual ‘crazy’ me.. I feel I used up every bit of energy in my reserve.. It was so good to have them around..

They only came for one night because they didn’t want to tire me out (how considerate!!). The first night kicked off by celebrating my nieces birthday – she turned 9!! It was extra special for her to have more family around..

We then took my cousins by car at midnight on a tour of London’s main attraction sights.. My mum being the super driver.. I stayed put in the car whilst my cousins hopped off to take photos next to Tower Bridge and the London eye.

(Photos stolen from my cousins Instagram.. I was too busy playing Pokemon go.. So many pokemons to catch downtown in London!! Definitely more than my bedroom!)

The next morning we had breakfast at home and then walked to the park across my house.. We spent some time on the swings.. at that time of the day the park didn’t have many people which was ideal for me!

We then went to ‘The doll house cafe’ in Harrow on the Hill .. Its not far from home and is one of my favourite cafes.. We chatted and enjoyed the beautiful weather.. A lot of the time I forgot i was even ill.. I just felt normal and made the most of every moment!

Next.. We walked around the area (I love Harrow on the Hill its great as its not crowded).. My cousins took a few snaps.. The day was just all laughs and jokes.. Happy happy times..

My beautiful and crazy cousins.. I wouldn’t change a thing about them!

Unfortunately the fun didnt last too long.. It was time for me to head back to the hospital.. To reality.. More checkups..

My cousins caught the double decker bus home (my cousins son that cute bundle of joy in the photos wanted to experience the bus ride.. How adorable!).

By the time I was done from hospital it was time for us to drop them off…

For the short time they were here they filled my life with so much love and happiness.. 

Thank you guys for the best surprise.. For making the journey to London.. For bringing so much laughter, love and happiness.. I am so so blessed to have you!!

Thank you for everything.. For the beautiful flowers and gifts.. Most importantly for brightening my week by seeing you.. I miss you all so much.. And life suddenly feels dark and dull again.. But I am going to get better so we can have a massive get together! I love you all..

This post is fully dedicated to my beautiful family.. As for health updates I will write a quick update on a separate post.. I want to keep this post full of positive energy and love!

Lots of love to everyone and everyones families.. XxxxX

Today I was due to have my PET scan, after being a good patient and complying with the rules of fasting for 6 hours prior and only drinking water, I arrived in the scan department and was told I couldn’t have the scan.

I have my PET scan at a different hospital to where I receive my treatment because this special scanner is not available in all hospitals. Today I found out that this scanner centre is actually a charity!!! How amazing?? Big shout out to all those who donate to this charity and allow people like me to be scanned.. there is so much good out there we just dont realise..

The reason my scan couldn’t go ahead today is because its too soon for me to have the scan, it has to be two weeks after my last dose of chemo otherwise the result won’t be accurate. I therefore need to go back next week to have the scan. I am very dissapointed my scan had to be rescheduled and was upset when I was first told because I’ve been looking forward to knowing how I’m responding to chemo.. But one more week shouldn’t be too bad.. It’s not ideal for any patient to have to have to travel all the way and then be told they can’t have what’s scheduled… in a perfect world things would occur correctly the first time round.. but its not a perfect world, and it’s always good to try and look on the bright side… Infact my trip to this hospital did not go to waste..

As I was sat there waiting for my new scan appointment to be booked I was flicking through an outdated magazine, delving into the uninteresting lives of celebrities and their relationship breakdowns.. then I look up and standing infront of me is Michelle holding a wrapped gift and beaming with her warm smile.. Michelle is the radiographer who scanned me when I had my initial PET scan.. I still remember how warm and kind she was to me.. A face that stayed in my mind..

Michelle has been following my blog and worked out when I would be in so she popped by to say hello and give me a gift.. Even though she was working in a different scanner today she still managed to come over to find me.. How incredible is she??!!! Seriously since falling ill I have met people who have touched my life in so many ways.. People like Michelle who is a healthcare professional who treats her patients as humans and not a number.. It was so nice seeing her and having a bit of a chat.. I feel so blessed to have met people like Michelle.. Thank you so much!!! Thank you is not enough..

These are the beautiful gifts I received from her.. Thank you one million times.. You have made me smile and turned what was a dissapointing day into a happy one..

How cute is she?? We need more Michelles in the NHS.. Caring healthcare professionals!

In other news.. I had my blood tests repeated yesterday, unfortunately the bloods that were taken clotted. When I got back home I got a phonecall saying I needed to return to the hospital to have the bloods repeated.. Not convenient .. Luckily I live close to the hospital and thankfully now I have a PICC line bloods can be taken out of it.. No more needles!!!

The good news is, my white cell count is now back up!! 

What’s next? 

I’m seeing my consultant tomorrow.. next week is my PET scan and more chemo..

Today is a good day.. It’s my nieces birthday!!! Happy birthday to our little princess.. Also my dad lands today.. I pray he had a safe trip.. I have missed him soooo much beyond words..

Sending you all lots of love and happiness… XxxX

Warning: This post may contain graphic images (not really just needles) that some readers may find disturbing (lol that sounds like something out of a movie or newspaper – had to throw it in).

This week I had a PICC (peripherally inserted central catheter) line put in through which I will receive my chemotherpy from now on..

So what is a PICC line? One second let me ask google.. No I’m joking! Before doctors get more accusations for referring to google.. All those years in medical school.. all that studying.. (and by the way you’re never taught about PICC lines – you learn on the job! From my experience anyway).

Enough rambling.. I’ve mentioned before in my previous posts a PICC line is a thin long plastic tube which is put into one of the larger veins in the upper arm, it goes all the way up to the heart. The reason I had a PICC line put in is because chemotherapy was irritating the smaller veins in my arm causing a lot of pain.

The image below showing a PICC line is from Macmillan.org.uk  (incase its copyrighted or something)

I’ve never put a PICC line into a patient and I admit its not a skill I have – and that applies to most doctors. I have seen many patients with PICC lines so I am familiar with them, and in addition my dad had one when he was in hospital following his accident as he needed antibiotics long term. 

Unfortunately the day my PICC line was put in clashed with my younger sisters graduation (so proud of my little law geek *wipes a tear* I wish I was well enough to share the moment with her). I’m lucky to have amazing friends and one of my best friends took me to hospital and was by me every minute.

So the PICC line was put in under local anaesthetic, the line was fed into my vein using ultrasound guidance. The procedure was done by one of the specialist nurses and took about 45 minutes – this is longer than usual as it took several attempts to get the tube in successfully.

Here are some pictures taken by my friend..

The PICC line will stay in my arm until I am fully cured.. so thats a minimum of 4 months if all goes well and I respond to treatment. The risks of having it include infection, developing blood clots in the arm and a small risk the tube moves.

I was given an antibiotic through the line because of my white cell count being so low.

So now the line is in I feel relieved that hopefully my next chemo session will not hurt my arm. 

What is the downside? At the moment my arm feels sore (no surprise). It feels very uncomfortable having a tube in my arm all the time, im still trying to find comfortable positions to sleep in – i can’t sleep on my right side as I usually would. Wearing long sleeved clothing is not so easy. I have to go in to hospital every week to have the line flushed and for the dressing to be changed. I have to cover the line when showering as it can’t get wet.. swimming is not allowed (thank the lord I am no fan of swimming – to my parents dismay I failed to learn how to swim despite all the lessons #nottalented).

Despite all of the above I am glad to have the line as nothing compares to the pain that chemo causes.

Finally can I just say how beautiful my friend is.. Not only did she get up early to take me to hospital, she also went to the effort of getting me a waterproof sleeve to cover my line when i shower and some yummy cakes.. Love you Jumanah

In other news.. I have a busy and exciting week.. Tomorrow my bloods get checked to see if my white cell count is improving.. Tuesday is the day I have my PET scan!!

This is the G-CSF Injection I am taking to help bring up my immunity.. (Injected into the belly)

Sending everyone lots of love and ending on positive thoughts xxxxx

Hey! This week has been eventful, and i’m back behind the screen to share whats happened. I was up till 2am chatting to my sis inlaw who is 18 going onto 38.. She is super mature and wise.. with all her words of wisdom and advice i feel positve and so here I am all chatty again..

Those following my blog will know that last week my white cell count dropped and I have been on treatment for an infection and that I was due to have repeat blood tests to check if my count has increased which would determine if I can still have chemo as scheduled.

On Monday I had those tests which came back showing my count had come up. However I felt unwell on Tuesday and began to develop an ear infection, so when I went into hospital for chemo on Wednesday I mentioned this and was seen by the haemtologist who decided I needed my bloods rechecked. As Mondays bloods were okay and I was feeling better she decided I can go ahead with the chemo, but my bloods were taken again before the chemo was given.

That day in the chemo unit was different to the usual.. One of the patients was there to have her last dose of chemo so her and her family had brought in samosas and gifts for the team.. It was so nice to see this patient so happy.. There was positivity in the air.. It made me think of how i would feel on my last day of chemo.. She was taking photos and selfies.. I was so happy for! Can i just say.. I am always the only young patient in the chemo suite.. The odd one out!

Chemo was started.. It was awful as usual, i developed arm pain again despite all the extra measures they took.. 

A fancy heat pack for my arm to help reduce the pain.. Nothing works!

Whilst having chemo I had an unexpected visitor which kind of resulted in me having a mini melt down.. No it wasnt an imaginary ex or a long lost relative.. seriously.. (Sorry to disappoint).. it was one of the palliative care nurses I had worked with for quite a while and who i had a special connection with.. Palliative nurses are those who specialise in end of life care – dying patients.. I generally got on very well with the palliative team because its a speciality I feel strongly about.. Working with stroke patients this year meant I had frequent run ins with palliative nurses.. Nurse K happened to spot me as she was passing by the corridor along which the chemo unit is, she was in total shock finding me sat in the chemo chair.. She stood infront of me and kept saying “what are you doing here??”, so i gave her a big hug and cried on her shoulders as I spilled everything out.. Between us we had shared a few tears in the past as we looked after dying patients, and we had chatted many times about death. She had always advised me I should stick to working in hospital and not be a GP as she felt hospital is where i belong.. The last time I had seen nurse K was not long before my diagnosis.. It felt so strange to be talking to her from my chemo chair whilst in pain.. Talking to her was a relief in many ways.. She understood me.. She has promised to pop by when I have chemo and to let one of the other palliative nurses I worked with come by.. “We will get over this together” those were her words.. I will get over this.. I miss my patients.. I’m not a good patient.. I want to be a doctor again.. Not a patient. I miss my colleagues..

After nurse K left, the patient who was there for her last chemo dose came over with her friend. They were both so sweet and gave me big hugs and told me it will all be okay.. I talked to them about my wedding plans and how I felt my life had changed so suddenly.. They were so nice and positive.. They even took my number down to stay in touch – and they have since messaged daily!

Anyway..

So chemo was over.. I was ready to escape.. When the doctor called the chemo unit and said he needed to see me.. Now I thought it was because of my PICC line (permanent tube in my arm) which was due to be put in the next day.. What I didn’t expect to hear is that my blood tests taken just before chemo was given had shown my white cell count had dropped to 0.7 – the lowest its ever been.. also my infection markers had gone up higher… *drama*

Now here is the problem.. Chemo had already been given.. So inevitably my count will drop even lower which is not good news.. To make matters even more tense, the G-CSF injection i’m given (I’ve talked about this in my last post) which helps bring my count up couldn’t be given straight after chemo because there is a risk of lung damage (Pulmonary fibrosis – for you geeks/healthcare pros). So.. I was sent home with more antibiotics as well as the G-CSF which I am due to give myself today (I have become a expert at jabbing myself).

How am I doing at the moment? I’m okay, my sore mouth is back in town but not as bad as before so I will not complain. I havn’t been able to exercise because of no energy.. I’m not worried about weight gain as my appetite has hit rock bottom thanks to the post chemo nausea.. But I am doing well.. and I am in great spirits! I have a lot of faith in God.. As one of my best mates Jichi said  last night”he’s with you, i can feel it”.

What happens next?? Monday my bloods are re-checked and all fingers crossed my count has begun to go up.. Otherwise more injections.. Tuesday is my repeat PET scan to see if chemo is working HOW EXCITING!!!!!!!!!! Wednesday I see my consultant… Basically I shall pack my bag and move in to hospital seeing as I spend most my week there.. 

I had my PICC line put in this week!!! I will post about that separately.. Shortly.. thats the plan..
Time for some happppy photos!!

Guess who sent me flowers.. total total shock and the best surprise ever!!! My workplace!! The flowers are beautiful.. whats more beautiful is knowing my colleagues aren’t angry or dissapointed with me.. Don’t get me wrong they have been extemely supportive and understanding from day 1, a few of them are in regular contact, always checking up on me.. But I went off sick at a time when we were so short staffed which has always left me feeling guilty.. These flowers made me feel everyone is okay with me.. Reassurance..

Incase she doesn’t spoil me enough.. Another gift from my wifey for lifey.. Avan I LOVE YOU.. my fiance is seriously feeling the heat.. he can’t compete with you! Thank you!!!!! By the way.. How cool is a chocolate pizza!

Another beautiful gift… Love loveeee loveeee it.. Me and mum both love fashion and this has been a real treat.. From one of my best mates.. Jich I LOVE U.. No more!!!! You’ve done so much!!!!

I will be back shortly to share what happened when I had my PICC line put in.. For now sending you all so much love xxxxx

Quick update on the health front before moving on to talk about more exciting birthday talk. Thursday night i began to feel unwell and was suspicious that i had an infection.. overnight i developed a fever which then settled by morning. I contacted the haematology unit at my hospital and was advised to come straight in. So off i went to hospital where i had some tests including a blood test. I was seen by the haematology doctor who told me i had an infection and was neutropenic (my white blood cells – the cells which fight infections were very low – below the acceptable cut off, this happens because chemotherapy can reduce my bone marrows ability to make new cells). I was given a G-CSF injection which helps stimulate my body to make new white blood cells. I was also started on antibiotics but I was allowed to go home as I was feeling better. The plan at that point was to have my blood tests repeated on Monday (today), and depending on the results they will decide if I can still have my chemotherapy on Wednesday or if it needs to be delayed until my white blood cells are back to an acceptable level. I have had my blood test today and I’m waiting for the result. I feel very well and I have been well over the weekend, I am positive my blood result will be okay and I can have chemo this week – not because I’m a big fan of chemo but I want to get better sooner..

Enough with the boring talk.. lets chat about some more exciting stuff!

On Friday i collected my wig!!!!!!! It’s so much better than I expected, my wig maker Amy from Amiwigs is just the best. I really feel my wig was made with a lot of love and care, Amy used pictures from my engagement to help her match the hair. I actually think it looks better than my original hair! Worth every penny! I am not using it yet as I haven’t gone bald.. but i have it on display in my bedroom on a polystyrene head, I know it will come into use soon.. I like combing it and playing with it (clearly I have a lot of time on my hands), best of all I love trying it on and flicking the hair back.. I can’t wait to get better so I can grow my hair again..

Moving on.. Or i’ll never stop chit chatting..

Yesterday was my birthday!! I am not normally a birthday person, not because I don’t believe in them, but i’m just not particularly fussed.. However this year i was going to make the most of it and so I did! These days I look for any reason to celebrate, be positive and embrace life, so when I have an excuse I latch on to it..

Yesterday was great, my family threw me what was meant to be a surprise birthday, but I kind of ruined it by being so inquisitive and figuring out what was going on! My family are honestly the biggest blessing I have, the hard work and effort they put in to keep me happy is unbelievable. A lot of credit to my fiance and sister Maryam who have spent the last few weeks running around like headless chickens trying to plan something.. We kept the party small as too many people in a small space is not good for me.

So here are some pictures.. 

I’m told the theme black and red was based around the red birthday cake they picked..

It was great celebrating with my loved ones.. Although I do wish my dad could have been there.

Again a massive thank you to my fiance and family.. Especially my fiance who is my all.. I don’t know what to say about him.. I can imagine life with cancer but I can’t imagine life without him.. Anyway..

Now some more pictures…

Family cards.. 

Some more pictures…

Woke up on my birthday to these beautiful 100 roses, chocolates and the most funny card.. Avan thank you for the best start to my birthday.. I am speechless.. Every single week.. A friend like you is so rare.. I love you!!!!!

Then another delivery.. what a beautiful surprise.. and one of the most thoughtful gifts from a drop dead gorgeous girl who I have a massive girl crush on! Love you Amna.. Thank you so so so so much 

Yellow flowers.. Because I love yellow.. Thank you Aseel.. You are truly one of my sisters and I love you to bits!!! Thank you for all your support xxxxxx

A cute gift from my my cousin Sora – childhood companion.. And basically not just family more than that.. Love you more than you will know!

So last but not least… Yesterday at the end of my party after everyone had left i was sat in the living room alone munching on baqlava (calories? What calories?).. Then i get a call from my friend telling me to open the house door.. And there standing on my doorstep were 2 of my bestest friends ever.. My 2 friends who knew about my illness before I was even formally diagnosed.. We have a whatsapp group called “fight like a girl”.. And its to them I rant first and complain.. They have been there in my darkest moments and I dont think my journey would be the same without them.. Thank you so much.. Your flowers your gift.. they speak for themselves.. I love you girls..

BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS MESSAGED ME, THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LOVE.. MY EXTENDED FAMILY IN CANADA, EUROPE, AUSTRALIA AND THE MIDDLEAST, I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL.. (I am so sorry for being so slow at replying.. I am useless at times..)

Right.. Cheese fest over.. Chemo on Wednesday if my immune system can tolerate it.. For now I’m off to bed.. Goodnight, lots of love and flowers xxxxxx

Quick update: Today is day 36 since starting my treatment and I am doing very well. With my birthday a few days away I am excited as I still have hair on my head even though it has thinned a lot and doesn’t stop falling. My cancer nurse specialist called me back to talk about what happened in my last chemotherapy session. She was extremely kind and supportive and for once I felt listened to. As there is no one available to put in a PICC line (the tube which stays in my arm until I finish all my chemo sessions) before my next chemotherapy session it will mean that I will have my chemo next week as I usually do, but they will take extra precautions. 

Okay so that was a quick update and now I wanted to share with you the struggle with my weight which I have had since falling ill.

I have briefly mentioned in previous posts how I gained around 10kg after falling ill. Most people may think that having cancer means you will be left stick thin, when actually that isn’t really the case. 
My weight gain has been due to multiple factors, not only did I over indulge when I first got my diagnosis I was also laying around a lot more. Usually my work keeps me on my toes and I have always watched what I eat. Other than being lazy and over eating, the steroids and hormone injections which I was given contributed to my weight gain.
Now you may be thinking I am mad and vain for worrying about my weight when I have a serious illness to worry about. But what you don’t know is my wedding dress is a size 6 tailored down (my wedding dress fitting was scheduled in 2 weeks time – now cancelled). I am no longer fitting into my normal clothes so there is no doubt that I wont be able to get into my wedding dress. I don’t want to keep piling on the pounds and then if I do get better i’m faced with the struggle of having to lose 2/3 dress sizes. Why wait? It just doesn’t make sense. 

So for the last few weeks I made some lifestyle changes which have helped me lose 5kg already wuhoooo i deserve a medal – no seriously bear in mind a lot of the time I have little energy. Being ill should not be a reason to neglect yourself, and I am now motivated to be in the best shape more than ever. I want to have control over my body. If I cant control losing my hair and having to deal with chemo i can control how my body looks and I will!

So what have I done to keep fit? Counting my calories and exercising! Yep sorry nothing exciting – no magic pill.

I am no sporty spice but I love exercising and the days which I am able to work out are the days I feel at my best. Unfortunately for a week after each chemo session I am too unwell to exercise  so I am in bed a lot of the time and that makes me feel very low. I want to emphasise that my medical team are fully aware of my workout regime and I would always advise anyone with a health problem to discuss weight issues with their doctor (ahem said like a true doctor – im joking!). It is important to me that I don’t do anything to jeopardise my health further.

When I have the energy to get up I workout for 20-30 minutes a day, and on a weekly basis i workout for one hour with my personal trainer Emma Ludlow. I know my limit and I try to ‘listen to my body’ I know when to stop and what days to sit back and rest.

My personal trainer Emma is amazing, I look forward to my weekly sessions with her, as she really pushes me and by the end of the hour session I always feel great! I train from home as I can’t go to the gym, and trust me you don’t need fancy equipment to workout.. just determination! We do everything from cardio, weight training, interval training, boxing you name it! The sessions are always varied so it never gets boring.. if I physically could, I would train more often with her!

A big massive shout out to Emma who has really helped me feel better both physically and mentally. I want to share some information about her – and no I am not paid or sponsored to do this!!

My trainer has her own personal training company called ‘swing out sisters’. She is a highly experienced personal trainer (a member of the national register for personal trainers), who not only provides training but also nutritional advice.

Her fields of expertise include:

» Body Sculpting

» Circuit Training

» Boot Camps

» Kettlebell Training

» Core Conditioning

» Nutrition & Weight Management

» Strength Training / Conditioning

» Weight Loss

» Weightlifting

» Pre & Post-Natal
This is her website for those interested: http://www.swingoutsisters.com
So thats the exercise side of things, as for my diet.. Well I did try to go vegan.. But that lasted an hour! 

I decided what works best for me is a balanced diet but not exceeding my calorie count. I eat everything and anything but I make sure its within my calorie limit.

I use the mobile app ‘nutra check’ to help me with my calorie counting. The great thing about this app is you can scan the barcode of the food packaging or search for the food in the search box. It’s very easy to use and I love it. There is also a forum which you can join – I don’t participate but it’s interesting reading other people’s experiences.

There are days where I exceed my limit, but I am never too hard on myself – we need to give ourselves a break!

An example of a random week:

So thats how I am trying to keep fit.. As my consultant told me I should expect to get more tired with each chemo session – so far this week i have worked out only one day and for 15min only. I will likely need to stop my training sessions with Emma at some point, but for now I will take each day as it comes.
Some words of wisdom..

Sending you all lots of love, positive energy and motivation xxxx

It has been a while since i last posted on my blog. The honest truth is i have not been in the mood to post or speak to anyone.. But i am back.. I vowed to continue sharing my story throughout my journey so I can’t stop now..

It was my other halfs chat with me yesterday that really made me wake up and try to climb out of the dark hole i found myself sucked into. That is the reality of being ill, it takes a toll on you in more ways than I can begin to describe.

“I want my wife back, i miss her” … those were his exact words to me as he began to explain how he feels my illness has changed me. He went on to admit that he missed how “energetic and full of life” i normally am, and how he regrets the many times when he used to joke with me and say “you have too much energy don’t you get tired ?” Whilst he is the more wise, calm and collected one in our relationship i was always the fiery loud one who “thought too much”, loved coming up with plans and could never stop talking – so chatty with those close to me i have been told i need a ‘mute button’! (How rude?! ..Its okay i know my family love me.. but do you blame them.. The length of my blog posts is enough of a hint).

This week i started my second cycle of chemo.. my worst experience with chemotherapy so far.. this is why..

So it was the 13th of July i went to the chemotherpy suite reluctantly.. I really didn’t want to be there but i knew i had no choice. I was allocated to my usual chair which was comforting and gave me a sense of security. The chemo nurse started off with the same usual checks (blood pressure, heart rate, oxygen levels and weight). She asked me which arm I wanted my chemo to run through so i chose my right arm for the first time – i thought giving my left arm a break would be wise.. My younger sister sat with me for the first hour and a half before she swapped with my other half who was with me for the rest of my chemo session. 

At first all seemed to be going well.. I had my first three chemo drugs.. with one to go i was begining to feel relieved that I could finally leave and go home.. I hate being in the chemo suite and the sooner i can leave it the better..

The chemo nurse attending to me that day told me she was putting up my last chemo drug and it would be an hour or so before i was done.. She put up the drug whilst i was busy chatting to my other half.. A few minutes into the drip i realised somethings was wrong.. Now i know this fourth chemo drug is the one that usually gives me a stinging sensation to begin with, but usually that is short lived and I usually tolerate it.. This time it was different, i felt like someone was settling my arm on fire literally.. I felt such an intense pain that my eyes were watering and I was fighting back my tears.. I thought to myself it might just settle if i hold on, since i hate making a fuss. It was only when I realised the pain was getting more intense by the second that i looked up at the chemo drip and noticed there was only one bag.. Being a doctor does come in useful at times.. I knew that this chemo drug is usually diluted using another drip ‘saline’ which is similar to water.. but i could see the nurse hadn’t done that. I called out to the closest nurse  i could see (my nurse was busy with another patient), I said i needed help as i was experiencing excruciating pain and my chemo drug had not been diluted. 

My nurse was immediately called and asked by the charge nurse to get a heatpack to place on my arm, whilst the other nurse put up a bag of ‘saline’ to dilute the drug and wash it through my veins.. 

This is what i was left with..

The chemo drug had caused my veins to inflame.. My arm was very painful.. I was angry and miserable.. 

Looking back i wish i had confronted the nurse rather than taking my anger home with me.. It seems strange saying this as i am a healthcare professional myself, but i strongly believe that most of the time patients are just treated as another entity.. As a patient I don’t want to be a tick box on a checklist of jobs sorted for the day.. I want good care.. Not pain!

I have asked for a PICC or Hickman line.. Basically they are thin hollow tubes which are put into larger veins via which i can recieve my chemotherapy.. These lines stay in for several months – until i finish my treatment. This means I don’t need needles poked in me each time I have chemo, also as larger veins are used the chance of causing any further incidents like the above is much less. I am waiting to hear back.. I will have a hissy fit and put my foot down if they say no.. I probably won’t knowing me.. But I’m serious.. I mean business..

This chemo has been more difficult than my previous sessions because the fatigue i have had has been from the start.. I hate being in bed and being inactive..

For those wondering.. I am not bald yet.. But its raining hair..

Anyway enough ranting, I am officially turning into scrooge.. My arm pain has gone now and i am getting my energy back.. It could be worse! I mean there are worse things to worry about.. seriously Ms Theresa May you put Boris as our foreign secretary, I am not into politics (clearly), but i hope Bojo does our flag proud abroad. Turkey.. ‘Drama’. The attacks on Nice are another horrific act of terrorism. More police shootings in the US.. This world needs a break.. So do I!

Right back to figuring out the tricks on Pokemon go.. Do not judge!!

I will leave you with some positive pictures..

Found this on my doorstep.. This friend does not get bored of me.. Loyalty at its peak.. In my fiancée’s own words she is a threat to him! Love this human..

Beautiful flowers, totally unexpected from a very cute person whose all the way in Dubai.. Aisha thank you sooooooo much!!!!!!!

I feel I’m getting my mojo back.. I need to for the ones i love..

Sending you all out there my love and prayers xxxx