A new lump

Yesterday..

I was sat in front of my mirror staring at my new short hair.. Still trying to get used to it.. I had tried to be adventerous this week and dyed it four times.. Sounds a lot? Well lets say it took four attempts to get it to a colour which i like.. I liked none so i went back to my original hair colour.. Boring me..
I kept looking into the mirror trying to accept the new me… Acceptance is a big move forward… I was trying to be positive.. I brushed the little hair I have behind my ears whilst still focussing on the mirror.. When i saw it..

One side of my neck didnt seem right.. Slightly irregular.. I froze.. I felt a sudden rush of panic and put my hands on my neck.. I could feel a small lump.. A new swollen lymph node on the right side of my neck..

The doctors instinct switched on.. I moved my hand further down.. trying to examine the chain of lymph nodes which run along the neck.. When i got to the base of my neck on the left side.. I felt a large mobile lump.. At least 3cm in size.. My heart sank..

All i remember is putting my face in my hands and crying like a baby.. Fear.. Anger.. Dissapointment.. A mixture of everything.. I hate my mirror.. I hate its reflection of reality.. I wish i had never looked into it..

I turned to do my evening prayers.. I hadn’t cried in my prayers for a long time.. I cried and cried.. I asked my lord for peace with myself and the strength to make the right decisions..

The new lumps i felt on my neck were not there before.. Or shall i say.. Maybe they were there but not large enough to be felt.. Is my disease spreading? Its definetly growing..

I feel i am at crossroad.. I have 2 weeks/less of fetility treatment left only then can i start my chemotherapy.. Did i make the wrong decision by delaying my chemotherapy? I have a cloud of guilt floating above my head.. Do i regret my decision to go with the fertility treatment? I don’t know..

I don’t know what to do next..

I look at my belly and the small bruises i have from the injections i give myself twice a day.. I feel i have come this far i can’t drop my fertility treatment now.. The thought of it is unbearable..

I’m scared to scratch myself or put my hands on my body in case i feel something new.. 

Feeling a lump is physical evidence that my cancer is there.. It is scary..

These past few days have not been great.. I’ve had bad nights and my fever has come back.. It’s times like this when i really dont feel like talking to anyone.. I am trying my best to take everything in..

I will remain positive.. Its the weekend now.. I will wait and see how things go.. No rush decisions.. Whats meant to be is meant to be..

I will try and have a relaxed weekend in bed watching house of cards on netflix.. This my new normal..

Tomorrow will be a better day x


(Lucky to have such an amazing support system.. This was left on my doorstep from a beautiful friend who recently became family! Love you J)

10 thoughts on “A new lump

  1. Salam Milad,

    Just heard about what you’re going through last night. Can’t imagine how hard this must be but Allah SWT will give you the strength to get through it and isA you’ll come out of this a stronger person!
    We are all thinking of you and wallah you will be named in my prayers every day and in layali al qadr coming up. Allah yin6eech il 9i77a wil 3afya wil 9abr. Inna Allaha ma3a al 9abireen.

    Lots of love and positive thoughts and duas your way. Stay strong and keep your faith in rab il 3alameen, you can do this! xxxxxxxx

    Like

  2. Stay strong, we have never met but I have heard wonderful things about you. Your an inspiration to me and others. You have been brave enough to share this difficult journey with us and have shown such courage. Inshallah tomorrow and everyday things get better for you.

    Like

  3. Salam darling, you are in our thoughts and prayers, you deserve nothing but the best, although we haven’t seen eachother in a while but i still remember your smile which i hope it stays with you always xxxx
    Praying for u my dear

    Like

  4. Mirrors don’t know what our bodies are capable of. Mirrors don’t reflect strength and hope. #tomorrowwillbeabetterday
    Love you.

    Like

  5. Sending you love and Duas

    I pray that you have peace in Whatever you decide

    Inshallah one day these will all just be a bad memory 🙏🏻

    We speak about the sacrifice of mothers but by god you’ve shown me how much sacrifices one makes even just thinking about being a mother. Your thawab is mounting second by second. You are strong and you are a my inspiration to us all

    Like

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