It has been about three weeks since I was last an inpatient in hospital. Every day that passes by with me being at home is an achievement in my eyes. Despite being of a medical background I am not shy to admit that I absolutely fear the idea of having to spend another night in hospital… and will do anything i can to avoid it..
Fear.. a word I now probably use more often than ever before.. you may judge me and say I should have more faith and be more strong.. because those who are don’t fear anything.. but this is it; i have no fear from death, i have no fear from cancer.. I fear being in hospital.. being in a hospital bed.. being tied to a drip.. loosing my autonomy. However i know it is a small price to pay for better health, something I have to just accept and deal with in my own way.
I have now completed my last cycle of chemotherapy.. and yesterday I had a PET scan, the results of which I nervously await.. its just a matter of time now.. a waiting game thats bitter… whatever the outcome of my scan I wont be a free lady.. my scan will show that I either haven’t responded enough to treatment meaning another drug has to be tried.. or my cancer has responded enough for me to move on to the next stage of treatment.. which is having a bone marrow transplant..
This situation is very different to the one i was in last year..because regardless of the outcome i know i am still not at the end of my journey.. having said that i pray and pray my scan shows i have responded enough to have a transplant, as ultimately that is what i desperately need.. even though i fear the idea of being trapped in hospital for weeks (when having the transplant).
I really don’t know what my scan will show.. I don’t have a gut feeling or any inkling.. The main symptom i have at present is night sweats.. really really bad sweats whereby my clothes stick to my body like tape and i have to literally peel my clothes off.. despite the weather being colder now in London i sleep with my fan close by. These night sweats can be because of the cancer or because of the injection i am on (zoladex – which puts me into artificial menopause). I haven’t had night sweats which are this bad for months, and I honestly don’t know which of the two is causing it, or whether it’s a combination of both. I can only stay positive and hope for the best!
Today I came across an article about a doctor (who happens to be GP), her young child was diagnosed with a rare cancer of the kidney, shortly after her daughter was given the all clear, she herself then develops a rare and serious autoimmune condition. In the article she talks about how she felt that even though she is a doctor, she wasn’t treated any differently, and in fact her daughters diagnosis was delayed as her concerns were not fully explored.. and at one point she was called “neurotic”…. You may be wondering why i shared that story.. well its because something about it resonated with me.
There is this misconception that if you are a doctor you automatically get special treatment.. that really isn’t always the case.. I admit when i was a patient in the hospital I worked in most the doctors treated me as a colleague and that was nice.. but i clearly remember how on one occasion, minutes after i was told my scan had shown I hadn’t responded to treatment, i was upset and the nurse who was present when i was given the news told me “your always anxious” in a really patronising way.. she then immediately apologised and tried to reword what she had said. I was too shocked with the news of my scan to reply back.. but i wish i had told her “you try going through what i am going through, then tell me i’m anxious!” In the hospital i am currently being treated in i feel like an outsider.. the annoying GP trainee who can’t keep out of hospital.. everyday a new admission and drama.
As a patient I have observed that no matter how good a medical professional is at their job… or how empathetic they may try to be.. they will never ever fully understand what a patient is going through unless they have had a similar personal experience.. I also have seen how desensitised medical professionals can be.. a patient is just a disease.. a number. I can’t blame them as its human nature… if your repeatedly exposed to something, you will eventually become desensitised to it. I just wish healthcare professionals were more understanding and caring. When i had my latest dose of chemotherapy, i began vomiting before the drug was put up “anticipatory nausea”.. something that has never happened to me before.. but due to my recent bad reaction to a chemotherapy drug, which I ended up in intensive care for, i was understandably very nervous… the nurse who was giving me the chemo told one of my family members that next time I should ask my doctor to give me tablets to “calm me down”.. now what he said does make sense and is common practice, but had he been empathetic and more caring when treating me I wouldn’t have walked away that day feeling upset…
Wow i feel i have moaned a lot today! Despite all the above rants.. i am really happy and truly thankful to God because i am in the comfort of my home and room.. to me this is heaven.. being close to my family.. i have this strange happiness in me.. being at home has really lit a spark.. i know it sounds strange to say this in my circumstances.. but deep in me I am content and at peace.. I feel i am connecting with God in a non traditional way, and that is helping me. I know I am not alone.. whatever news the coming days hold.. i will be prepared to face the next battle.. i’m not ready to give up…
Time for me to sleep.. but before i click that ‘publish’ button.. i wanted to thank everyone who remembers me in their prayer and to everyone who messages me and asks about me.. i have a backlog of messages and i am really sorry for not replying.. some people take the time and effort to write long messages which truly touch me and brighten my day.. if I don’t reply i promise its not because I’m a rude person. I wish i could thank each and every single person individually.
There is one person i have to mention.. Aya Al-Assadi.. I don’t know you in person.. we have never met.. but the letter you posted was one of the most touching letters.. it arrived on a day when I wasn’t feeling great and it uplifted me and had me in tears… thank you so so much and thank you for your beautiful gifts! (I also have a backlog of pictures to post!)
Praying the next time I write a post I will have good news to share..
So much love and positive energy from me to you all.. in a world full of darkness let your smile and love of God light the way xxxx
17 thoughts on “Praying for good news”
I have been checking your blog to see if there are any updates. InshaAllah you are feeling well. May Allah grant you a cure that leaves no ailment behind.
I’ve only stumbled across your blog this evening. I read everything from the very first to the last post. I have sent you an email that I really would appreciate if you glanced at. There’s something I want to tell you about, please read it. Thank you for sharing your story, I admire your courage, your bravery and your strength. You’re inspiring. Inshallah you will be in good health again, soon. Inshallah! With love x
Trying to put myself in your shoes…If I would be a patient (and I will), perhaps I would tell the treating colleagues that my speciality and my competencies are not their, and to take me as an ordinary patient. If every mean/method/treatment has been exhausted, they to tell me – perhaps – that they tried everything, “but who knows, there were cases when…”. Rather than: “you are a doctor, so you should understand that there is nothing else to do anymore.” Maybe I can keep a thread of hope. I know this is the ostrich policy…
I keep my fingers crossed to you. And…don’t lose your hope.
Hello Milad, I think about you quite regularly and It’s obvious that your an incredible person! and I also really wanted you to know that my cousin Zainab prayed for you whilst on Hajj so all these combined prayers must make a difference because as Allah says, call me and I will reply to you. Also, Imam Hussein said the world is like a dream, meaning it will all pass.
May Allah give you shafa ameen. Keep fighting don’t ever give up ..I will pray for you hang in there this will be over soon. You will be fine insha Allah ..
We don’t know each other, but I wanted to let you know that I prayed for you by the Holy Kaaba, by name, and will continue to pray for you.
I wish you a full recovery
Really nice to hear an update from you on your blog, you’ve been on my mind so much lately❤ Prayed for you so much in hajj, and always praying hard for you. Inshallah ya rab some good news🙏 Lots of love xxxxxxxx
You are indeed a Warrior and fighter.Your words are an inspiration to many, I can understand your pain and you are constantly in my prayers.I understand d fear of the hospitals and being away from loved ones.The thought of a btm is scary, having been through it i understand your fear but remember you have surprassed greater fears, and emerged successful.Just keep strong, each time you get scared, think what beautiful life awaits you after this.
Inshallah praying for your good reports and may be granted complete shifa by the Allah and the interception of Ahlulbait(a.s).
Insha Allah your next post will be a very happy post. Stay strong. ☺
Praying hard for you sweetheart. You are due some good news. x
Dear Milad. You are a true inspiration. Even though you have been through so much you still take the time to touch the lives of others. Our paths crossed for a reason. I wish that your experience was better with regards to your care. I get angry and upset when anyone treats patients as a number….I always say treat anyone how you would like to be treated…with respect , kindness and empathy. You are so right…no one understands till they have walked in your shoes. Praying for only good news and positive thoughts to come your way. Lots of Love Michelle xx
love you Milad.. you have been so strong and i hope you hear the news that you want to hear. praying for you xx
Keep being strong you are my role model honestly the fact that you blog and are trying to let others aware is beautiful in itself. I agree with you on the concept that doctors are less empathetic, my best friend is a doctor and always complains that the doctors are always looking to discharge the next person and it is merely a numbers game. This experience has taught you a lot and inshalla when you’re back at work, you can tell everyone your story! Lots of love xx stay positive
Insha’Allah it is good news beautiful warrior princess.
You are in our every prayers.
Love you tons❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I think a lot about you, I miss you, I think back to the time spent, your energy and your strength, I’m appreciative,your cousin from Belgium
Stay strong stay positive and may Allah give you the patients to deal with every problem that comes your way
Praying that you’ll receive good news xx
I’m praying for you the news will be good. Stay strong brave lady you have been through a lot. 🙏😘