I am in the car being driven to a hospital in central London where my healthcare has now been completely transferred – today i start a new treatment in a new hospital and can only pray that with the will of God i can beat the statistics.
The last week or so has not been easy, I can’t find a single word to describe my emotions and i feel no one would really understand what its like as a doctor being told details you would never wish upon your own patients let alone a close one or yourself.
I was seen by a consultant in this specialist cancer centre last week, who went over my scan… I thought i had already heard the bad news and that was it.. but then he told me that my scan was discussed in their multidisciplinary team meeting and they believe my cancer has got bigger.. not only that.. there is only a 30% chance of getting me into remission (cancer free)… my doctor may say 30%.. i say with the will of God 100%…
Today i am starting this new treatment regime which is given over two days, the drugs i will be having (for those interested in details) are Bendamustine and Brentuximab – the latter being given on the second day only. I will have this every three weeks and then have a scan several weeks after my third cycle – to see if there has been any change.
In my last post I briefly mentioned i was admitted to hospital for an infection – a quick update on that.. I decided to self discharge (something I am really against and would never let one of my own patient do).. i had my reasons to want to walk out of hospital – primarily because there were no beds on the haematology ward (something beyond anyone’s control as our broken NHS is far stretched and there are not enough beds).. but i was put on an orthopaedic ward which had poor hygiene the details of which I can’t find myself writing and nursing staff who are not used to dealing with patients like me at all.. it was an awful experience – that should never happen to any patient – let alone a patient who has been given life changing news. I reached a compromise with my doctors who let me leave the hospital on the condition that i return every day to the haematology unit for drips of antibiotics.. which i did agree to.
Despite all the antibiotics i have continued to have high temperatures which my doctors tell me is most likely from my cancer. I have been put on steroids which thankfully has helped with my swallowing.
I feel emotionally drained and physically exhausted – i have not given up – i am dressed and ready for today – to try new drugs – to beat this cancer… but even the tallest and strongest of mountains will have some erosions and parts of it will crumble and fall with the changes in time, but that never stops a mountain from still standing high and strong.. and thats what i hope i can be.. a mountain taking hits but still standing…
Since hearing all the news i have my perspective on life has really changed even from 3 weeks ago… i cant explain it.. but for me nothing in this world really matters anymore as much as spending as much time with my family.. i am no longer setting myself deadlines of when I want to be back at work or when i to have my hair grown back and have that wedding… i have never valued time as much as now.. i wish i had this wake up call sooner.. every minute counts.. live it to the maximum and don’t waste time over petty things..
Right.. I am here in hospital now..
I won’t give up.. i will keep this fight going till my last breath.. i can beat cancer.. and i will.. however long it takes.. even if we run out of options.. i will find a way..
Thank you to everyone for all the support and prayers which i am so desperate for.. with so much going on im slow to open my messages and social media.. i thank every single person who has thought and prayed for me.. as much as i want this for myself.. I really want to one day share some good news with you all.. this will always be all our fight…
Getting ready for chemo now.. deep breath.. in the name of God.. please cure me from this disease…
Love and positive energy from a small fighter in a big world..