Two days ago i had my 8th session of chemotherapy – i have now completed 4 cycles!
Unfortunately as I don’t have a PICC line at present i had to endure the pain of chemo through my arm veins..
Luckily the new head of the chemotherapy suite in my hospital is a colleague i had worked with in the past – she was previously a palliative care nurse – someone who has worked many years with patients who are at their worst point (dying patients), so she has a level of empathy that really makes her stand apart.. She spent some time with me asking me how things were going, she noticed i’d become more pale and as chemo does it changes your appearance. I explained to her my PICC line had to be removed due to the infection i had.. She understands the amount of pain my type of chemo can cause to the arm, and has promised to try her best to find a vascular surgeon (a surgeon who deals with blood vessels) who may be able to put a new PICC line in for me – the haematology nurse who is trained to put PICC lines in is away for three weeks!
Other than that nothing is really new with my chemo.. As my consultant explained to me at my latest clinic appointment with each session the chemotherapy builds up in your body so expect your symptoms to get worse.. I think no more needs to be added..
In other matters – today marks the one year anniversary of my engagement – this time last year I thought my life was heading in a particular direction – i didnt have too long to finish my GP training – i had set a month for my wedding and so much more. Four days before i recieved my diagnosis i had been to see the venue I wanted my wedding in..
Every time a attend a clinic appointment to see my consultant i ask when can i start planning my wedding, in my latest clinic appointment my consultant advised that i should hold off any planning for now especially after my recent admission into hospital with an infection. She advised that wedding planning is very stressful and now is not the right time, ideally i should wait at least a month or two after completing my treatment when i am well enough to deal with such stress. I am very organised and i hate leaving everything till the last minute… i love having as much time.. but one thing my illness has taught me is at times i need to step back… listen to my body.. and do what is best for me. I remember my consultants words.. she is absolutely lovely, she kept saying stop worrying about planning your wedding.. You need to get better.. You need to be well to plan the day of your dreams.. Don’t pressurise yourself.. Hopefully you will get better and you will see that day.
I have taken that advice on board and so i’m trying to focus on getting through these days.. But i just can’t help looking through my engagement photos and shedding some tears.. I’ve also learnt from my illness it is not a weakness to release your emotions, being it sadness or anger.. it’s only human.. However much i wanted today to be a happy day, i just struggle to compare the photos of myself in my engagement to the person i no longer recongnise when looking in my mirror.. I know I will get better.. Its a matter of time.. I am positive this will soon be a distant memory.. But i still have to face the reality of what is the present…
I’d like to share a few photos of my engagement.. our traditional iranian spread (sofrat aghd).. I had not too long to plan my engagement which I found so frustrating as i like having time.. But luckily i had the help of my amazing sister who convienantly is a wedding planning (Boutique of surprises – http://www.boutiqueofsurprises.co.uk) – more photos can be found on her social media accounts.
Pictures of the traditional iranian spread we did in a marquee in our garden
Anyway.. Thats just a small glimpse into my life one year ago.. I am so thankful for all the good days i have had and the good ones which are to come.. I believe we should live every day to the fullest and take each day as it comes.. At the same time i have learnt that however difficult a person may find their situation it really is nothing in comparison to what others in the world go through.. Absolutely nothing.. Not even a drop in the ocean..
Tonight is the first night of muharram which is the first day of the Muslim calendar. Wishing all Muslims a blessed year. It also marks the first night of commemoration of the social revolution of the Prophet’s grandson Hussain who made the ultimate sacrifice for social justice in the face of corruption and tyranny. He gave everything he had, including his life, for justice and humanity (https://whoishussain.org/).. What he and his family went through inspires me and gives me the strength to face my own mini battle with my health.
I will end my post here as it has been emotionally draining especially at a time when my energy level is not at its best.. But as with every post i like to share the love and support of those amazing people i am gifted with – my friends and family..
A massive thank you to three special friends.. Fatima, Howra and Zainab.. Three beautiful ladies who sent me these beautiful gifts.. I genuinely can not thank you enough.. I was totally taken aback with your generosity.. And you definitely got my taste spot on.. I really cant believe you got me exactly what i wanted to order!!!! THANK YOU SO SO MUCH YOU LADIES ARE AMAZING I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My beautiful best friend Iman and her cute little family sent me this pretty bouquet.. How adorable is the balloon!! THANK YOU!!!!!! Love you lots!!
My best friend Jichi.. Always thoughtful!!! I currently have gone back to knitting as a way to fill my spare time.. She got me these beautiful bamboo needles and cover!! How useful!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
Finally.. Whilst on the topic of knitting.. My sister and niece completed my knitting kit today with their pretty gifts!! Now I really have everything i need.. You guys are just the best!!! Also my beloved mum who kick started my new knitting kit with everything she’s got – family really is everything!!
Sending you all love and Prayers XxxxX
listentoyourbody 
I met this beautiful lady and her mother today, at NWP Hospital. We started talking and it was like I knew her forever. she is a brave and talented lady.
I wish you all the best you will get through this. You are positive brave and strong.
You made all the ladies on the ward feel welcome and you showed us what a kind caring lady you are.
God bless you beautiful lady, do not worry about your hair it will grow, you will marry and you will have many happy years.
I’m thinking about you and your lovely mum.
Lots of love
Diana
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Awwww your message is just as beautiful as you.. Thank you so much for your lovely words.. Me and my mum totally loved you.. You are a inspiration to me! Love u so so much xxxxxxx
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Hi Milad hope you are fine we meat at the hospital and had many conversation regarding health problems in our lives I really liked your blog keep posting more and more our prayers are always with you and all will be fine soon bad days comes and goes it will not going to stay forever keep smiling and take care.
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Hi Dina!!! Thank you sooooo much for messaging!!! Thank you for being so open with me and sharing your experience advice.. You are such a caring person.. I really wish you and your family all the best.. I am sure your children will do exceedingly well because they have a strong mother like you. You are a true hero. Sending you lots of love from me and my mum xxxxx
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Dear Milad,
Proud to know about your fight.Coincindentally we happen to be sailing in the same boat. I too am suffering from blood cancer and undergoing treatment for it.I happen to be taken to the hospital ,the same day my wedding venue had to be finalised shattering my dreams.
I too feel your pain when I look at my engagement pictures,and see I am no longer the same, but yet draw strength from my family and future husband who has become my great support system.
At this time, I draw inspiration from Imam’ Hussain(a.s) and wait with patience for the day I will fully recover.
You are a brave women and it’s an inspiration to read your blog’s.Stay strong and very soon you shall come out strong and cancer free Inshallah.
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Hey Raes! Thank you so much for messaging and getting in touch.. I am really sorry to hear about your diagnosis.. Thank you for sharing your story.. I really feel your pain.. Please don’t say your dreams are shattered.. These things happen for a reason. My mindset has changed so much since being diagnosed.. It even changed my idea of what i want my wedding to be like believe it or not! It’s changed my perspective on so many things in life..
Likewise i draw my strength from those around me.. Especially my future husband.. I really think something like a serious illness can ruin a relationship or make it stronger.. My illness has definitely brought me closer to my fiancé even though I thought we were close enough..
I pray that allah eases your journey.. And inshallah with the imams shafa3eh you have a speedy recovery..
You will always be in my thoughts and prayers and i would love to stay in touch if thats okay with you!
You are strong and brave too! As is every patient fighting a illness whatever it is..
Sending you lots of love, prayers and a big warm hug xxxxxxx
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Dear Milad,
Your words are really encouraging and your right, my dreams are not shattered, just delayed.My life’ s purpose and dreams have become more strong and realistic.Cancer thought me how to be greatful for having wonderful family and friends around you.It has made more humble, loving and emphatic towards others.
It would be great to stay in touch and wishing all the people the strength to keep fighting the battle and emerge successful.
Thanks for your duas and hug.
That’s the beauty of our Ahlulbait ( a.s), connects two strangers across seas in a such a beautiful way.
Stay Blessed!
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As the community gathers on nights like these and we recite prayers like:
أَمَّنْ يُجِيبُ الْمُضْطَرَّ إِذَا دَعَاهُ وَيَكْشِفُ السُّوءَ
The thought of you and your story comes flooding into my mind. Insha’Allah the prayers from all your family, friends and supporters will help you through this journey.
Also, really looking forward to the programme on Ahlulbayt TV tonight 🙂
You should share the details with other readers who may be interested!
Listen to your body | 7th October | 7pm LDN
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Hey Aziza!! Thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.. So kind of you!
I haven’t talked about the programme because unfortunately as i was admitted into hospital and subsequently not being well enough I was unable to be involved in the programme as planned. It will be aired today as a one off and then put back up after Muharram after it is completely edited inshallah. The team on ABTV did their best to string something together so something can be shown during the month of Muharram, I really appreciate the hard work they put in especially as they were really limited and had to think outside the box in such a short period! I feel I really let them down.
Thanks so much though, I really didn’t expect people to know about it, so thank you!!! I am really blessed for all the support.
Inshallah I will for sure share the details of the edited programme!
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Salam dear milad
Happy anniversary hibibty!
You’re always in my du’a especially in these days -As’alullaahal-‘Adheema Rabbal-‘Arshil-‘Adheemi ‘an yashfiyak soon inshallah♡. Sometime we lose hope and plans ((Allah ))has always good plan for us. We should have trust on the plan of Allah. Allah knows that what is better for us. We will keep praying and inshallah Allah will answer!
– I don’t know if you remember me (I am Roaa from America * ebtisam friend)
You are always on my mind and du’a.
* I used to read your journey quality, but I always wanted to make an account to write a comment.
Du’a & love♡
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Ws Habibti Roaa! Ofcourse I remember you, inshallah you and your family are all well! Its so sooo sooo nice to hear from you! Wow i am so surprised my blog has reached you all the way in America!! Thank you so much for reading it and for messaging. Alhamdulillah for everything!
Sending you lots and lots of love and hugs xxxxxxxx
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Praying for you in these holy nights.. Always mention you in my duas🙏🙏 Inshallah a speedy recovery and an immense amount of patience throughout it 🙏🙌🏻
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You are so sweet!! Thank you so much! I pray allah gives you all you wish for and blesses you always. Lots of love xxxxx
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Salam dear milad
Happy anniversary hibibty!
You’re always in my du’a -As’alullaahal-‘Adheema Rabbal-‘Arshil-‘Adheemi ‘an yashfiyak soon inshallah♡. Sometime we lose hope and plans ((Allah ))has always good plan for us. We should have trust on the plan of Allah. Allah knows that what is better for us. We will keep praying and inshallah Allah will answer!
– I don’t know if you remember me (I am Roaa for America * ebtisam friend)
You are always on my mind and du’a.
Du’a & love
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Happy anniversary beautiful, inshallah many wonderful years ahead filled with good health, ultimate happiness and eternal success for this life and the next! xx
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Habibti Layla thank you so much!! Love you lots xxxxxxx
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Habibti Milad
Mashalla your strength is truly amazing and inspiring. Mabrook to you and Ali inshalla many more years of happiness together. Last year you looked absolutely beautiful on your engagement and you still DO, and inshalla you will look equally beautiful on your wedding day. Inshalla kol kheir habibti, lots of Duas, love and positivity your way. mama and the family send their salams XXXX
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Awwww your message is so sweet!! Thank you so much for being their on my engagement day, inshallah I will be there for yours in the near future. Thank you so much for all the duas!
My love to you and the family always xxxxxxxxx
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You were so beautiful on your engagement. You are so beautiful now. When you look in the mirror recognise your strength and beauty my love. They’ve always been there and they always will be. InshAllah I will be by your side at your wedding when you enter a new phase of your life knowing that you really truly can conquer mountains. It will make you a better wife, a better mother, and a better person iA. Love you lots. Wishing you and Ali a lifetime of love and support for one another and health and happiness. xxxxx
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Love you Jich! Cant wait to have my best friends by me again but this time in my wedding.. Thank for being the maid of honour in my engagement.. For everything you did.. Really cant forget your support for me in the good and bad days!
Love you so so SOOOOO much.. xxxxxxxx
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