Two days ago i had my 8th session of chemotherapy – i have now completed 4 cycles!
Unfortunately as I don’t have a PICC line at present i had to endure the pain of chemo through my arm veins..
Luckily the new head of the chemotherapy suite in my hospital is a colleague i had worked with in the past – she was previously a palliative care nurse – someone who has worked many years with patients who are at their worst point (dying patients), so she has a level of empathy that really makes her stand apart.. She spent some time with me asking me how things were going, she noticed i’d become more pale and as chemo does it changes your appearance. I explained to her my PICC line had to be removed due to the infection i had.. She understands the amount of pain my type of chemo can cause to the arm, and has promised to try her best to find a vascular surgeon (a surgeon who deals with blood vessels) who may be able to put a new PICC line in for me – the haematology nurse who is trained to put PICC lines in is away for three weeks!
Other than that nothing is really new with my chemo.. As my consultant explained to me at my latest clinic appointment with each session the chemotherapy builds up in your body so expect your symptoms to get worse.. I think no more needs to be added..
In other matters – today marks the one year anniversary of my engagement – this time last year I thought my life was heading in a particular direction – i didnt have too long to finish my GP training – i had set a month for my wedding and so much more. Four days before i recieved my diagnosis i had been to see the venue I wanted my wedding in..
Every time a attend a clinic appointment to see my consultant i ask when can i start planning my wedding, in my latest clinic appointment my consultant advised that i should hold off any planning for now especially after my recent admission into hospital with an infection. She advised that wedding planning is very stressful and now is not the right time, ideally i should wait at least a month or two after completing my treatment when i am well enough to deal with such stress. I am very organised and i hate leaving everything till the last minute… i love having as much time.. but one thing my illness has taught me is at times i need to step back… listen to my body.. and do what is best for me. I remember my consultants words.. she is absolutely lovely, she kept saying stop worrying about planning your wedding.. You need to get better.. You need to be well to plan the day of your dreams.. Don’t pressurise yourself.. Hopefully you will get better and you will see that day.
I have taken that advice on board and so i’m trying to focus on getting through these days.. But i just can’t help looking through my engagement photos and shedding some tears.. I’ve also learnt from my illness it is not a weakness to release your emotions, being it sadness or anger.. it’s only human.. However much i wanted today to be a happy day, i just struggle to compare the photos of myself in my engagement to the person i no longer recongnise when looking in my mirror.. I know I will get better.. Its a matter of time.. I am positive this will soon be a distant memory.. But i still have to face the reality of what is the present…
I’d like to share a few photos of my engagement.. our traditional iranian spread (sofrat aghd).. I had not too long to plan my engagement which I found so frustrating as i like having time.. But luckily i had the help of my amazing sister who convienantly is a wedding planning (Boutique of surprises – http://www.boutiqueofsurprises.co.uk) – more photos can be found on her social media accounts.
Pictures of the traditional iranian spread we did in a marquee in our garden
Anyway.. Thats just a small glimpse into my life one year ago.. I am so thankful for all the good days i have had and the good ones which are to come.. I believe we should live every day to the fullest and take each day as it comes.. At the same time i have learnt that however difficult a person may find their situation it really is nothing in comparison to what others in the world go through.. Absolutely nothing.. Not even a drop in the ocean..
Tonight is the first night of muharram which is the first day of the Muslim calendar. Wishing all Muslims a blessed year. It also marks the first night of commemoration of the social revolution of the Prophet’s grandson Hussain who made the ultimate sacrifice for social justice in the face of corruption and tyranny. He gave everything he had, including his life, for justice and humanity (https://whoishussain.org/).. What he and his family went through inspires me and gives me the strength to face my own mini battle with my health.
I will end my post here as it has been emotionally draining especially at a time when my energy level is not at its best.. But as with every post i like to share the love and support of those amazing people i am gifted with – my friends and family..
A massive thank you to three special friends.. Fatima, Howra and Zainab.. Three beautiful ladies who sent me these beautiful gifts.. I genuinely can not thank you enough.. I was totally taken aback with your generosity.. And you definitely got my taste spot on.. I really cant believe you got me exactly what i wanted to order!!!! THANK YOU SO SO MUCH YOU LADIES ARE AMAZING I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My beautiful best friend Iman and her cute little family sent me this pretty bouquet.. How adorable is the balloon!! THANK YOU!!!!!! Love you lots!!
My best friend Jichi.. Always thoughtful!!! I currently have gone back to knitting as a way to fill my spare time.. She got me these beautiful bamboo needles and cover!! How useful!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
Finally.. Whilst on the topic of knitting.. My sister and niece completed my knitting kit today with their pretty gifts!! Now I really have everything i need.. You guys are just the best!!! Also my beloved mum who kick started my new knitting kit with everything she’s got – family really is everything!!
Sending you all love and Prayers XxxxX