Today marks one month since i went completely bald, something i havnt really discussed in depth in any of my posts.
When i was diagnosed with cancer for the first time and despite the many chemo sessions i had, i never shaved my hair. I let my hair naturally fall out, my hair loss was very gradual spread out across my treatment. I was always against shaving as for me it was important to hold onto every last strand of hair – i was determined to beat chemotherapy and retain some hair – even if its just one hair strand. By the end of the chemotherapy i was left with few hairs very thinned out and patches of bald.. for me that was a triumph.. I hadn’t lost all my hair.. when my hair began to grow out it was uneven and many told me to trim my hair so it looks neater.. but i was proud of those longer pieces of hair which had defied the toxicity of chemo drugs and survived..
My experience with hair loss first time round was different to that which I experienced this time round.. very different.. for the first two weeks after my first round of chemotherapy i had very little hair loss.. at one point i even thought that i will never loose all my hair.. i would tell my nurses and doctors that i still have a full head of hair.. even though i was told several times my hair will eventually all fall out, inside me i chose to believe otherwise – i was in complete denial!
By week three my hair began to fall out more.. i would leave a trail of hair everywhere.. but it still was quite gentle.. then i began to develop an extremely sore scalp, it felt like someone had got a sharp knife and made many cuts across my scalp.. it was very painful touching my head and even moving my hair about.. putting my head down on the pillow at night was also uncomfortable.. a day or so after my scalp became painful i noticed i was loosing more hair.. but i still had a full head of hair.. then one day something I really never ever ever expected in my wildest dream happened.. i went to sleep one night with a full head of hair.. and i woke up the next morning looking like a different person.. my pillow was full of hair.. it literally looked like i had a furry animal on my pillow.. but even at that point I hadn’t fully realised what had happened.. it wasn’t until i went downstairs and saw my mum gasp did it hit me that something was different.. looking in the mirror i saw that i had completely lost the hair at the back or my head.. i looked like a guy with a funky hairstyle.. the back of my head bald with a turf of hair left at the front of my head… i looked ridiculous.. i had lost the bulk of my hair.. i immediately took photos to share with my best friends.. i remember telling them how i had gone to sleep as one person and woken up as another..
That day what was left of my hair began to fall out in chunks.. i had never ever planned to shave my hair.. again i was determined to hold onto every last hair.. but seeing large chunks of hair fall everywhere was disgusting and I decided i would finally shave.. I messaged two of my friends and told them i would shave that upcoming weekend with them present (they were by my side when i cut my hair after my first diagnosis of cancer)… however by the evening of that same day i had lost so much hair I decided i wasnt going to wait till the weekend… so my fiancé got his razor, and in the middle of my parents living room (newspapers beneath me), i sat cross legged and let him shave off what hair remained.. my mum and sister Vian watching over me.. when he was done i got up and looked at myself in the mirror.. for the first time i saw myself bald.. I thought i would cry and be emotional.. instead i smiled.. i smiled because i felt a strength within me.. they say a girls crown is her hair.. but with or without hair i will always wear a crown of hope and positivity of my head.. and that is priceless…
Being bald is beautiful.. its beautiful because looking at myself in the mirror i see myself fully stripped back of anything that may beautify me externally.. this is me raw.. in a day and age where we are pressured to live a instagram picture perfect life i stand boldly bald and confident.. only i will determine what beautiful is.. i have always been very confident and never felt self conscious even at the peak of my health.. but this has made my confidence grow more.. my looks will never defy who i am.. i do not need to hide behind layers of makeup and a wig of hair to be beautiful.. not to say there is anything wrong with wearing makeup or a wig (when the occasion calls for it)… i am determined to defy that mould which society expects us to fit into.. i am who i am.. with or without hair.. confident and positive.. i am beautiful i tell my reflection in the mirror.. every single human is beautiful.. colour, size and shape doesnt matter.. let your inner beauty shine through.. don’t let anything put you down.. be you.. because you are beautiful!
I am bald.. I am beautiful..
Enough hair talk.. or no hair talk.. before i go a quick health update.. i have been a bit poorly over the last few days with a cold and sore throat.. thankfully i am now on the mend.. i also had my PET scan this week.. now it is just a waiting game.. i nervously wait for that life changing news of whether my cancer is responding to treatment.. i am trying my best not to worry to much as it is all beyond my control.. i leave my fate in the hands of God and just pray for some much needed good news!
Always ending on a positive note and sharing the love of those amazing people in my life whom i am blessed with…
Layla.. thank you so so much from the bottom of my heart for this lovely surprise.. what a interesting read.. i pretty much finished it within a hour.. such a thoughtful gift from a beautiful soul.. love you so much and wish i could give you a massive hug xxxx
My soul mate and better half was away for about two weeks and surprised me with this.. blessed to have you in my life.. my everything xxxx
My amazing friends Howra and Zainab… I can’t thank you enough for your continuous support and love.. for the beautiful flowers (which i’m kind of obsessed with – ive taken so many photos of them in evert angle lol) and your tasty treats.. but most importantly for being such loyal and caring friends.. I appreciate your visits and cant thank you enough… thank you for being you.. for all the laughter and great time.. i love you both so so much xxxx
Marzena… some times in life we cross paths with people for a good reason.. i am so thankful and lucky to have found such a close friend in you.. you are one of the most genuine souls i have ever met.. your friendship is a blessing.. thank you for this beautiful gift – great minds think alike.. i have been using this product for a while and i am totally obsessed! My refill was just about to finish.. this cane at a perfect time! thank you!!!! Love you lots xxxx
Last but not least… Big thank you Amna for everything.. i dont know how to even describe what you mean to me.. i love you so so much, thank you for everything.. you are really one of a kind.. thank you for today.. was so lovely having you over it made my day! It is so rare to find someone like you who is so stunningly beautiful on the outside and inside.. love u tons.. and thank you for the chocolates xxxxx
Lots of love and positive energy for everyone.. i pray the next time i write a post i have some positive new to share xxxx