Big Decision

Today is a good day.. I am feeling very positive.. (Despite being run down with a cold and sore throat)

I feel i have got back some control over my life which feels liberating!

So this is what happened.. If you’ve followed my blog you would know i have gone backwards and forwards seeing my gynaecologist to discuss my fertility. Today i went to see my gynaecologist at University College London Hospital (UCLH).. Finally i have some exciting news..

I have decided to go ahead with treatment to try and preserve what we can of my fertility.. That means more medication more injections and more hospital appointments.. which isnt too bad.. not for someone used to working in hospitals.. it may sound weird but i love the hospital environment even as a patient.. it reminds me of work.. I really miss my job so much.. 

The staff at the reproductive unit in UCLH are beginning to recognise my face and my big medical folder which i cling on to and carry everywhere (a bit like a pregnant woman who carries her antenatal book.. Those who are pregnant or who have had a child will know what i’m on about).

I want to keep focussing on the positives, however i wont let my excitement at the prospect of starting treatment for fertility preservation cloud the whole picture of whats going on.

Taking this step was not easy.. It has been by far the hardest decision i have ever had to take… I have had to choose getting treatment to try and preserve my fertility over starting my chemotherapy. Yep.. my chemotherapy will be delayed by about three weeks.. My haematologist initially wrote to my gynaecologist with some reservation over delaying my chemotherapy.. There was concern that i am having ongoing symptoms which will only get better with chemotherapy.. However, how i see it is that i have tolerated my symptoms for over 10 weeks now surely i can hold on for 3 more? That is the thinking of a patient desperate to gain some control and take decisions over her body.. As a doctor i would tell myself to put my health first and with or without treatment there is no guarantee that I will eventually concieve.. If the doctor in me was speaking to the patient i now am, I would say “are you really willing to tolerate these night sweats and all the itching for longer? Think again”…

My gynaecologist has been excellent and so helpful, she spoke to my haematologist who has agreed to let me go ahead with the fertility treatment and delay my chemotherpy. I am fully aware that the treatment i am having will not guarantee anything, i know i may suffer side effects and complications which may delay my chemotherapy further.. I also know that if i become more unwell i will need to stop the treatment and start chemotherapy sooner… I am willing to take these risks.. The patient in me wants to do what makes me happy.. I am doing what is right for me.. I am blocking the voice of the doctor in me which echoes in the back of my mind.. This is about me and what I want for my body..

My doctors were not the only ones not too keen on my chemotherapy being delayed.. My other half voiced his concerns over and over again.. He is desperate to see me get better but fully respects my choice.. 

Will I regret my decision? I hope not.. Time will tell.. I hope my body holds on for 3 more weeks.. If i could apologise to my body i would say “sorry for putting you through this.. I promise you soon things will get better.. Hold on.. Not long left”…

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My stash of injections:

Other updates? I am still waiting for a formal report of my PET scan and a fixed start date for my chemotherapy… I hope to get more answers this week.. The next few weeks will involve many more uber trips to UCLH!

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One last piece to share with you.. I woke up this morning to find this next to me on my bed.. It’s from my younger sister.. Super sweet!

Sending you all positive energy and love xx

5 thoughts on “Big Decision

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