Hey everyone! Its been a while.. it feels like a lifetime ago since I last posted.. i felt inclined to sneak back into my blog to share some news.. it always felt my “journey” never really ended.. maybe it did on my blog.. but never in me.. as one of my consultants once said.. the hard challenge begins when everything seems to end..

I’m not sure how much i shared on this blog because I never read my posts back (hence all the spelling and grammatical errors).. i wrote in real time.. this post is a bit different as its news sharing.. and a bit of a look back at the struggles of the last few years.. an insight on how thing’s really were.. since leaving this blog on pause my instagram took off.. but everyone knows instagram is “snippets of what you choose to show”.. it’s not the real thing..

First to the big news.. earlier this year.. in March of 2022.. i gave birth to my little miracle.. my precious baby girl.. I always believed in miracles.. but experiencing one is on a completely different level.. how i got there.. i mean the fertility journey of a menopausal woman.. thats what i want to share..

Why is she a miracle i hear you ask? As I may or may have not mentioned my cancer treatment has left me with “premature ovarian failure”.. basically in the menopause! And no unfortunately its not reversible.. this is it.. it’s permanent damage to my ovaries.. meaning I am infertile.. i am on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and I have been under the gynaecology team pretty much since I was initially diagnosed.. but they became more heavily involved around 2017 when I had the more intense cancer treatment..

I know i tend to talk a lot and go off on tangents.. but please bare with me.. its been a while since i wrote and i have so much bottled i up.. so much that i feel is important to share.. I can’t I mean I don’t know how to cut corners.. so i may need to split this up into more than one post? Let’s see..

The menopause.. yes it means i am infertile.. on medication daily till at least the age of 50.. but thats not just it.. the menopause is like this box of unwanted gifts which keeps on giving.. the menopause left me with pains in my bones especially my legs at night.. so I had s scan which showed i have osteoporosis (bone thinning).. why? Well because oestrogen (the female hormone which women lack in the menopause) protects the bones.. so basically I had my medication increased to help my bones.. thankfully its worked.. bone pains gone.. but the menopause does so much more.. night sweats, hot flushes, brain fog.. the list goes on.. there is only so much that my medication can be increased to manage my symptoms.. thats because i am risk of blood clots if I’m given higher doses.. (i had blood clots twice during my cancer journey.. so now my blood clots doctor – thrombosis haematologist is extra cautious)..

So thats a brief outline about my life with the menopause which I am managing quite well.. I would like to one day run a menopause clinic.. having a doctor who knows what the menopause truly is as she’s living it makes sense right?..

Anyway.. i may be managing well with the physical complications of the menopause.. but being infertile… completely different struggle…

Here are the words of one my consultants to me when my cancer came back in 2017:

“The best decision you ever made in your life was to listen to your mum”.. oh and was my beautiful mum right..

In 2016 when my cancer was initially diagnosed I was told that the treatment may leave me with fertility problems.. this is usually the case for people who fail first-line treatment and need strong chemotherapy.. I was given the choice to freeze my eggs before starting treatment.. this was a dilemma and a really difficult decision to come to.. simply put.. freezing my eggs would mean my chemotherapy treatment would have to be delayed.. which means the cancer could get worse.. so I wasn’t keen.. to be honest most my close ones were not so keen either.. however my dear mother put her foot down and insisted I freeze my eggs.. she kept saying what if you need further treatment.. what if… she kept pushing me to agree and freeze my eggs.. and i listened to her…

Fast forward.. my cancer returns.. i need aggressive treatment.. i am left infertile… “the best decision i ever made in my life was to listen to my mum”..

So you are thinking.. she froze her eggs and had a baby? In summary yes.. but getting there.. a rollercoaster of a journey.. one full of desperation and pain.. enveloped in hope, faith and belief..

I documented my journey in my phone notes.. hours of reflection.. unfortunately most of which got deleted.. but i do have very few notes which survived.. i will share them with you… they give a small glimpse into my journey..

I think i will end this post here with this entry i wrote in 2019.. i will be back to share more details.. but for now..

Sending you lots of love and positive energy

Milad x

Fertility

Today i had my appointment with the fertility specialist – my gynaecologist. How ironic a few weeks ago i was working in obstetrics and gynaecology seeing patients myself and here i am today on the other side..

I never thought i would be discussing family planning at this stage of my life. I have been so career driven and independent over the years, the concept of having a child didnt seem to fit into my busy schedule.

When i met my other half from the get-go i knew he loved kids and having a family had to be on the cards. He has always talked a lot about children, what he would name them and even discussing their future education! The more my love for him grew as our relationship progressed i totally changed my mind about motherhood and decided that if having children would make him happy then thats what i want. So we decided to think about concieving after a year or so into our marriage.

Here i am today hearing about the implications chemotherapy can have on my fertility. Suddenly i am having all these tests and hearing numbers thrown at me.. The chance of this and this making you infertile.. Its overwhelming!

The bottom line of todays appointment was regardless of what they do and give me they cannot gurantee my fertility will be okay. On a positive not many ladies who have recieved cancer treatment have gone on to concieve.. I will hold on to that string of hope.. In the end i truly believe these things are in the hand of my lord.. 

Time to focus on getting better!