“Cancer changes people.. It sculpts us into someone who understands more deeply, hurts more often, appreciates more quickly, cries more easily, hopes more desperately, loves more openly, and lives more passionately”

A random quote I came across on google.. typical of when your bored and google everything including how to fix the unbroken kitchen sink. What really caught me in that quote is “hopes more desperately”.. and that is where i have found myself time and time again.. when you are so desperate you can easily go off character.. to others you are irrational… but to yourself your simply fighting for hope.. ill explain more…

Since my last post i have had two more chemo sessions and a further scan.. it has been a bit more long winded than wanted..

After my initial scan the plan was to go ahead with a stem cell transplant, but i was in disagreement with my doctors about what type of transplant to have (whether to use my own stem cells or use that of a donor).

Before anything could be set in stone i unfortunately began to break out in a itchy rash.. identical to the one i had previously when my cancer had come back. I was told i would need a repeat scan before a final decision can be made on my transplant. It was this flare up that pushed me into mentally spiralling out of control and finding myself in a whirlpool of distrust in conventional treatments..

The days leading up to my repeat scan result were very intense and difficult.. probably the most stressful time i have experienced.. more so than any time before.. i can imagine some people are thinking “if you have enough faith you shouldn’t be anxious or stressed”.. but it isn’t as simple as that.. however strong your faith is, however many prayers you read and however many people you have behind you.. there is always that simple human instinct for survival… an instinct which is driven by fear and desperation.. resulting in a concoction of stress and anxiety…

Its this desperation which at times pushed me out of my comfort zone, away from my firm medical beliefs and left me seriously considering alternative medicinal options including the use of cannabinoids and travelling abroad to seek the help of a healer.. i will delve deeper into this controversial topic in a separate post. Thankfully i didn’t need to follow through with any of these alternative options… all thanks to God.. God is love.. God can make any difficult situation seem so much more bearable..

After having more chemo my scan was repeated and finally there is now plan in place, i will still go ahead with the stem cell transplant and more importantly I am now in agreement with my doctors.. hallelujah!

I have always written honestly… i’m not one to shy away from being critical when I have had a bad experience. But I have to say the medical team who have been looking after me have been really great. Despite not agreeing with their plan initially, I was given the opportunity to discuss my ideas and concerns and reach a decision after feeling I am fully informed.

I captured the picture below when one of my doctors was explaining the various risks depending on the type of transplant. I have always been convinced that if i was to have a transplant i would use cells from a donor as this would give me a new immune system. However what my doctors tried to explain to me was that using the cells of a donor comes with a death risk of up to 25%.. much higher than the 1% risk of death using my own cells..

The plan going forward is to have a stem cell transplant.. using my own stem cells.. known as an “autologous stem cell transplant”.. i am aware that most readers wont know what that is or what it involves.. i plan to document my transplant journey in depth and explain all this.

Today i am back in hospital.. waiting to have a new chemotherapy drug ‘cyclophosphamide’… this will kick start my stem cell transplant journey which will take two months from start to finish. I will break up the different stages of my transplant journey into separate posts so its clearer.

Please pray for me that today goes well.. i am now strapped to the drips.. and can only hope for the best.

Lots of love and positive energy to everyone xxxx