It has been three weeks since I received my first cycle of ESHAP and a lot has happened and changed since.. so here goes my summary of events..

Thankfully after coming out of hospital and with the help of medication the swelling around my belly (water retention) came down. My nausea has also been well controlled which has been a relief..

I felt it was going really well.. that was the case for the first few days of being home.. then in the early hours of one morning, I was awoken by a noise in my ears.. a ringing.. a high pitched sound.. like a broken radio/tv.. a constant beep + shushhhhh noise.. in fancy medical terms its known as ‘tinnitus’… in lay mans terms: a very frustrating noise in your ears leaving you wanting to scream and poke at your ears so it goes away – do not do this! 

This noise in my ears has persisted now for over two weeks.. it has become part of my life.. I can’t remember what it was like to hear without a constant background noise drilling in your head.. for a few days I thought it had improved and was hardly there, im not sure if it was just me getting used to it.. but this morning i woke up at 6am with this noise ringing away in my ears like a alarm.. it can be so exhausting as i feel I cant get any good sleep and that in turn leaves me with a migraine.. during the day it’s manageable because other noises distract me, but at night and in the morning when everyone is asleep and the house is pitch silent, thats when this noise is unbearable.. I just wish I had a remote or something which could switch it off…

So noise in my ears (tinnitus).. what is it all about? Well.. unfortunately one of the chemotherapy drugs i had (Cisplatin) can cause damage to the inner ear (ototoxicity).. that occurs in 40% of adults who have this drug (check me out! Knowing these figures.. geek!).. and yes unfortunately as per usual i like to fall in the lower percentages and get every side effect.. 

My haematology team sent me to the Ear nose and throat specialist and i had a hearing test.. that involved wearing head phones and each time i heard a noise through the headphone i had to press a button… thankfully my hearing test came back normal.. i am still not deaf.. I can still hear you all (*smirks*)..

After having my hearing test I was seen by my haematologist in my local hospital who told me I should be okay to continue with the same chemotherapy regime (ESHAP) but have the dose of Cisplatin reduced (the drug causing the noise in my ears). However i was referred to be seen by the haematology team at a hospital in central London which has a specialist cancer unit – basically this hospital is at the top of their game..

So off i went to this hospital.. which for me as a patient is very exciting.. its on par with being sent to a chocolate factory (if you love chocolate like me).. as a patient you want to be seen and treated in the best place.. and this hospital is fancy and shiny and sparkly… (the kid in me comes out..).. but most importantly its a research centre and has pioneering treatments which no other hospital in the UK has…

My consultation with the haematologist at this hospital was a lengthy one.. fortunately i had my mum, younger sister and one of my best friends F.Jichi with me, which helps when there is a lot of information to take in.. This is what i learnt..

1) my lymphoma falls into the rarer category of “chemotherapy resistant lymphoma” – as my cancer came back so quickly it means chemotherapy doesnt work as well on me

2) due to the ringing in my ears (tinnitus) it is not safe for me to continue with the same chemotherapy regime (ESHAP) as another dose of this chemotherapy can make me permanently deaf.. the ringing in my ears is a sign that there has been damage to my ears even though my hearing test was normal..

3) i have to change to a different chemotherapy regime called IVE.. different drugs.. different side effects.. my third chemotherapy regime.. it feels like i would have tried every chemotherapy drug by the time i get better!

4) if my cancer responds to the chemotherapy i will have a bone marrow transplant using my own stem cells.. and if this is successful there is a 60% chance i will stay well, and a 40% chance my cancer will come back again…

5) if my cancer doesn’t respond to this new chemotherapy regime i will need to try different drugs and i will then need a bone marrow donor.. my sisters have a 25% chance of being a match.. everyone else including my parents have a one in a million chance of being a match (nice..)

6) I will start my new chemotherapy regime in the next few days as soon as there is a bed for me in hospital (i am at home at the moment)

That is all I can remember from the consultation.. 

I left the clinic room feeling okay.. but when i got home.. i broke down.. i held onto my fiancé and just cried on his shoulder uncontrollably.. i am not a weak person, i am not negative at all and i am not scared.. i am just mentally exhausted.. and really disappointed that things just dont seem to be working out.. it is tiring.. 
What really upset me was reading that one of the drugs in the new chemotherapy regime IVE (Ifosfamide) has a 10-15% chance of causing encephalitis (inflammation and swelling of the brain) which can lead to seizures (fits), coma and very rarely death. I will therefore be started on a drug to prevent fits (phenytoin) before having the chemotherapy… I am not a pessimist.. but having had so many side effects from my treatments so far I would not be surprised if i react badly to this new chemotherapy drug! I pray it will go smoothly.. it will.. it will.. thats what i keep repeating!

Hairloss is something else i want to talk about – my experience this time has been different.. but i think i have talked a lot today and will leave that for a separate post.
Always ending on a happy note..
Big thank you to everyone who has read my article on the muslim vibe and for the comments which i have read but not managed to reply to.. and a massive thank you to everyone who has been in touch your support means a lot to me! A special thanks to the team at Muslim vibe and specifically Salim for asking me to share my story.

The link to the article: https://themuslimvibe.com/featured/a-doctors-journey-fighting-against-cancer

(I will also put the link up in my blogs main menu for ease)
Thank you to my beloved cousin Seja and her husband for visiting and for these beautiful flowers.. i love you!

My amazing best friends Jumanah and Zahra who are always by my side through the thick and thin.. thank you for keeping me company and for the gorgeous plant and cute clementine tree.. love you so much!

My beautiful best friend jich.. thank you for coming to my appointment with me, for always talkng sense into me, and for trying to fatten me up with this scrumptious cake! I loveeee you!!

To everyone following my journey.. thank you for your support.. my love and prayers for everyone… may you all be blessed with eternal happiness.. sending you lots of positive energy hope and smiles!

After spending a week in hospital i was finally discharged home earlier this week.

I have now completed my first cycle of ESHAP chemotherapy, which was given 24 hours a day for 5 days non stop.
(New chemo book!) 

This chemotherapy is very different to the one i had before. The best way i can compare the two is that with the first chemo i had it was a big hit then and there after which i would slowly begin to recover.  With this chemo regime it feels like i have been pumped with toxins the effect of which are slowly unfolding with each day – its slow and painful.. i am sicker with each day, and the fatigue is like none i have felt before. 

I have been put on high doses of steroids (given through a drip for 5 days and now switched to tablets), and was given large volumes of fluid both of which have contributed to me becoming very swollen. I hate steroids! Steroids cause water retention and change the distribution of fat in your body, so i have been left with a ‘steroid face’ ‘moon face’ ‘chipmunk face’ whatever people prefer calling it these days – in simple terms i look like iv been pumped with fillers in my face – not a look I would ever go for! I have also had a lot of water collect around my belly which makes me look pregnant – about to pop – I was even asked by a junior doctor if i could be pregnant! I must say i was not impressed by that comment and found it frustrating because a simple look through my notes would explain my physical appearance. However when i look back i really don’t blame her, i would have probably made the same mistake if i was in her shoes – its so much easier to be critical as a patient. 

I think only women who have been pregnant will relate to me when i say how uncomfortable it is to carry a heavy belly, getting in and out of bed and walking is a discomfort – but i am not pregnant – i am just carrying water! I am on medication which has really helped flush a lot of that fluid out of my body and i feel so much lighter and more comfortable which is such a blessing. Incase i havnt been clear enough.. i really really hate steroids, not just because it makes me look like a balloon, but because steroids stop me from sleeping well at night and really make me agitated. To top it all off i am back on my Zoladex injections (to preserve what can be preserved if anything of my fertility) and these injections as iv mentioned in the past give me night sweats. Steroids + Zoladex = insomnia!

Thankfully though its not all bad so far, i have not had severe nausea and vomiting yet, and only briefly had a sore mouth which subsequently settled.

My hair? So being naive or more like in complete denial i was secretly convinced that surely after 5 days of chemo my hair hadnt fallen out so surely i must be an exception… nope.. thats not that case.. hair begins to fall out slowly 5-10 days after.. and since returning home my hair texture has completely changed, my scalp has began to feel sore and i am beginning to leave traces of my hair behind me… RIP hair.. however sad it may seem the honest truth is it really isnt as bad loosing hair for the second time round – i’ve been there and done that.. it was definitely more shocking and upsetting first time round.. also i had only managed to grow my hair out into a pixie.. its not like i am loosing years of hair growth.. its okay.. hair grows back.. its just a shame the painful hours i spent massaging my hair and putting a cocktail of oils to help it grow – I could have probably opened a YouTube channel on hair concussions (no way- never in a million years!)

So what is next? I am seen in hospital twice a week for blood tests.. with this chemotherapy regime my bloods are likely to drop more dramatically than before so they are closely monitored. I will be re-admitted to hospital in a few weeks time to have my second cycle of ESHAP.. after which I will be scanned to see if my cancer is responding… I pray it is..

As I mentioned in my last post my sisters engagement and wedding fell on the days i was in hospital.. on the day of her engagement my family had opened FaceTime for me to see everything from my hospital bed (my fiance by my side), unfortunately at the same time my heart rate had gone up and i was having a heart tracing and being given medication – we had closed the camera from our side so my family wouldn’t know – it was just a shame because i didn’t really get to see it well! 

As for my sisters wedding day i was fortunate to have the company of the most beautiful humans, my friends Amna, Jumanah and Zahra were there for me that day. I was also fortunate to have videos and pictures sent so it was great – a beautiful wedding – beautiful couple.

A final note to end on.. i want to thank my fiance who really is my all, my incredible parents – especially my mum – a woman like no other, her strength love and support is superhuman, my amazing family, inlaws and friends i love you deeply.. 

Thank you to the beautiful souls who visited me whilst in hospital – i am blessed with such amazing friends – Avan, Jumanah, Zahra, Neam, Iman, Amna, Kosar, Howra, Fatima, Zahra – i hope i havnt missed anyone out!

Iman and Neam – thank you for the beautiful flowers! Love u both!!

Avan – thank you so much for this gorgeous Quran – and for the daily snacks and treats! Love u!!

Habibti Amna – thank you for your beautiful gifts – the most comfy PJs!!! Love u to bits!!

Finally Jum and Zooz – no pictures (sorry) – but I can not thank you enough for looking after me at my sickiest – for all the food love and care.. I love you!

Bed time for me – sending everyone out there my prayers for never ending love hope and happiness.. God is Great!

Its good to be able to pick up my phone and write again.. even if its with just the one hand!

After over a day in hospital having some pre chemo checks i can finally say I have started chemotherapy again. 

I had a new PICC line inserted into left arm, after three failed attempts they managed to get one in. Unfortunately its left my arm feeling very sore so im not moving it much. My previous picc lines and chemo damaged veins mean its getting harder to put a line in each time. Nevertheless enough weeping im thankful and grateful to have the PICC line. 
(Sorry for the use of medical jargon, for those who havnt followed my blog; a PICC line is a long plastic tube inserted into a vein in the upper arm using a needle, the tube is fed through the vein all the way to the tip of the heart – its through this tube i recieve the chemo – this PICC line can last for months, making it useful for those needed treatment over a long time – like me – unfortunately…)

This chemo regime is called ESHAP, its what is known as ‘salvage chemotherapy’, even as a medic im not quite sure how to fully explain it, but the best way i can think of describing it is as a ‘rescue’ chemo which is more intense than before. Its made up of 4 chemo drugs, the chemo runs over 5 days (yes five!) for 24 hours non stop.. i will be in hospital throughout the duration, and go home once i am stable enough.. then three weeks later i will be back to repeat this all again! So this is my new bestie who is attached to me by the hip.. no PICC (lame joke!!.. chemo brain kicking in! and no my new bestie has no name yet..): 

(Sorry the picture is dark.. its still 5am and i am too tired and weak to try and find the light switch.. not in the mood for a proper photoshoot session with my drip!)
Im really happy to be holding my phone and writing (i hope i am making sense today).. i started the chemotherapy yesterday and lets just say its as horrible as i imagined if not worse.. its still early days (less than 12 hours so far) and i have been told to expect much more side effects with this chemo regime.. but the one thing that hit me pretty quickly is immense pain all over my body.. now I don’t know what everyone else experiences, but this is just my individual experience.. the best way to describe it is as if someone has beaten you and up and completely bruised you (disclaimert. I havnt been beaten up in the past – thankfully).. i feel now im getting used to the pain and feeling so sore.. just laying in bed is painful, or even trying to undress.. its touching the surface of my skin which feels like it is battered… luckily i have managed to get four hours of sleep (hence why i am so perky and able to write), i am now getting used to staying still in one position so im not moving my body much and feeling the pain.. that is my main symptom so far… ill keep you posted as things change when the chemotherapy begains to kick in more… 
One last rant.. with this particular chemotherapy one of the biggest concerns is damage to the kidneys, so i am on a drip of fluids all day (to hydrate the kidneys) and a medication (IV diuretic – for those who understand my jargon) which makes you pass urine every hour to flush the fluid out.. i am really sorry for sharing too much information (hopefully no one is offended) but i am trying to explain that it is really really difficult feeling weak and dragging a drip backwards and forwards to the toilet all day.. another reason why this chemo regime is horrible!

Today is a very important and special day.. its my sisters engagement today.. my older sister (before rumours start flying around lol!).. i am so so so happy for her but every inch in me feels so broken.. and i write this as my tears flow down.. i am so heartbroken that i miss both her wedding and engagement as i am in hospital.. I wasn’t allowed to delay my treatment and i am tied to a hospital bed so I can’t physically be there.. now what people don’t understand is the guilt that comes with being ill.. when you are ill it seems like everything is about you.. this all couldn’t have happened at a worse time.. i feel i cant be there for my sister but worse i feel her day will never be the same.. i know how upset and devastated she is because of my health and how insistent she was to cancel everything.. but life goes on.. and Maryam if you ever read my blog.. i am so sorry for this.. you deserve to get married in better circumstances.. i wish i could be there.. she has stood by me through the thick and thin and i feel i am letting her down.. i dont know why i am writing this here.. im not good at expressing my emotions.. my blog is where i vent.. i just pray no one is put in this situation.. no one can be fully happy on their big day knowing they have a family member in hospital.. i genuinely look up to my sister and she makes me feel so proud.. she is the most selfless human i have ever met.. if hearts were measured in gold hers would be way off the scales.. i hope today and the wedding day go by as best as they can.. and that my situation does not change any of the beautiful moments which are meant to be… after all that.. I forgot to say.. Congratulations big sis i love you more than the world times a billion trillion.. 

Ok enough crying and writing, my nurse will think i am loosing it.. as thats the last thing i need lol (not to say there is anything wrong with mental health problems – which i believe are equally important as physical health problems! Half the time i sound like a MP who is desperately trying to be politically correct.. *rolls eyes*)
To my fiancé, family and friends.. and everyone.. i love you all.. thank you for the messages prayers and support… 

My fiance (my all.. so cheesy.. but you are my rock) and family (my incredible mum, dad and sisters) are everything.. they havnt left my side.. my inlaws I know you dont read my blog but i love you.. my amazing friend Avan thank you for being by my side and holding my hand when chemo was started yesterday.. my MIK (Jumanah, Zahra, Jich, Neam, Iman, Huda, Sama and Fatty) love u all!

Sending everyone lots of love and prayers during these holy days of the Islamic prayers.. please keep me in your prayers which i am in desperate need for.. now more than ever xxxx

On Wednesday the 3rd of May 2017 my doctor confirmed my cancer had returned. I have relapsed. The biopsy samples taken last week all showed my Hodgkin lymphoma is back. My doctor said he was “devastated” for me, but i just smiled and said it will be okay… it will be okay.. 

This is the picture in full.. this is the reality of my story and journey so far.. in less than 12 months i was diagnosed with cancer, then told i was clear, then 122 days later (less than 4 months after being told im clear) i was told my cancer is back.. in less than 12 months i have had to cancel my wedding two times (iv been told to cancel it again as im not well enough).. in less than 12 months i have had to go off sick from work and put my training (to be a GP – family doctor) on hold… 

You may think that is a lot to deal with.. not for me.. but for everyone around me watching this nightmare unfold and feeling they are hopeless..

That thick metal chain i felt around my neck which was suffocating me, was briefly removed – for less than 4 months.. barely enough time to allow me to acclimatise to normality.. not enough time for me to breathe fresh air.. here i am again.. in a worse situation than before.. my cancer has been aggressive enough to come back within such a short space in time..

It is okay though.. it will be okay.. we as humans unfortunately are very self centred.. we look at our misfortunes and believe we are so unlucky and that the world should revolve around us and our problems.. but this is how i see it.. I truly believe with all my heart that i am lucky.. i may sound bonkers but i am lucky.. i have my five senses, i live in a safe country, i have a warm home and loving family and friends.. there is so much beauty around me which makes me smile and feel content… i belive God gives and takes.. you can’t have the whole cake and eat it.. life was never meant to be perfect.. embrace every single day and moment for what it is.. there will be hard times… you may cry and be angry one day.. but you will smile and laugh the next.. Everyone has one problem or another.. no one is living a completely perfect life.. none of us know what is behind the closed door.. we are made to believe that life is picture perfect like on Instagram.. we envy each others lives.. not knowing that social media is a distorted picture of reality.. my misfortunes to you may be great.. but yours may be greater in my eyes…

Bottom line is.. what im trying to say is.. be happy.. love life for what it is.. be positive.. carry a smile wherever you go.. embrace the flaws your life and use them to elevate you to a better place…

Okay so enough preaching, this blog is meant to be about my journey fighting cancer (how dramatic).. 

Symptom wise I am okay, im doing well, with the help of my haematologist and dermatologist i am on medication to help control my rash and itching.. i am loosing weight (please girls.. dont give me the evil eye haha.. no seriously this isnt good weight loss), i have had only very slight night sweats so far and they only began two days ago…

So what is next? I need to be started on Salvage chemotherapy (ESHAP for the budding medics), intense hardcore chemotherapy as a inpatient in hospital and then i will need a bone marrow transplant after… the plan is for me to be admitted to the haematology ward in my hospital as soon as a bed becomes available.. so in the next few days.. in the mean time i am on 6 different medications – swallowing 14 tablets a day (only)! I will be put back on the Zoladex injection to put my body into artificial menopause, and i will restart the GCSF injections to help boost my immune system..

I think that’s enough information for now.. I will be back.. probably to moan about how much of a nuisance it is to cancel a wedding only few months away.. oh and to talk about my poor hair which i have worked so hard to grow out bits of!

I send you all my sincere love and thanks for all the support.. my amazing army.. 

Chin up.. Breathe.. and Smile.. We got this.. i promise.. we got this!

Oh and yes before i forget.. my amazing amazing best friends took me on my hen-do turned we-can-beat-cancer-do and it was one of the best trips.. full of laughter and love.. i have the bestest friends..

Here are two pictures from the trip.. photography courtesy of my beautiful F.Jichi ❤

(P.S never be deceived by pictures.. a stranger seeing these pictures would never guess what is really going on..)

It is the 26th of April 2017.. a normal working day for most readers.. but not for me..

Less than 4 months after being told i am in remission.. on the 26th of April 2017.. Today.. Yes today.. I hear the most shocking news.. 

I was on my to go shopping with my mum when I received a random unexpected phone call from a receptionist in the ultrasound department of my hospital.. telling me she needed to book me in for a urgent biopsy of my lump.. a lump I wasn’t aware of.. a biopsy no one had mentioned.. i soon come to know over the phone that a scan i had recently showed that my cancer has most probably come back..

Here i am again.. reliving a nightmare.. a nightmare I thought i had woken up from.. but.. not so soon..

How ironic.. this time last year.. the 29th of April 2016 to be exact i was given the same news as today… but in a very different way..
So here we go again… this is how it all began and how it unraveled…

But first a quick catch up.. I have been away for what seems forever.. this blog is my best outlet during difficult times.. i feel i avoid it at all costs when i am well…

Since my last post i have been very busy.. living life to the full.. i travelled with my mum to Malta, went to Kuwait and Lebanon for a funeral and I returned to work on March the 1st.. oh and ofcourse i planned for my wedding.. my wedding which i booked for this summer.. 

Those who saw me always commented how well i looked.. to the world i was begining to look normal again.. my face more bright, my smile wide.. i was going out.. doing the normal day to day stuff..

How decieveing can looks be.. behind my smile a lot was going on..

Towards the begining of March – two months after i was told i was in remission, i began to develop lower neck pain especially on swallowing.. this went on for about three weeks so I saw my consultant.. i was sent for blood tests which came back abnormal – one of my blood tests a marker for inflammation was high – as it was last year before my diagnosis.. my consultant sent me to have them repeated incase the sample was wrong..

All along i was telling myself surely this blood test is abnormal because of some sort of infection i have.. at the back of my mind i  had these on and off thoughts of “what if” (fearing the worst).. but each time id batter my thoughts away.. laughing at myself.. saying “dont be ridiculous”…
Less than a week later from seeing my consultant i broke out in a wide spread rash all over my body.. a rash which was intensely itchy, but it would come and go.. it behaved exactly like an urticarial rash (hives).. i kept saying “its just hives”.. again there was that niggling “what if” thought.. but “no dont be silly” i’d convince myself.. this is a proper rash.. its different.. 

I don’t know whether im such a positive person that i try to find an alternative explanation to everything.. or whether i am a simply naive patient.. 

So again i was seen by my doctors.. after trying three different tablets we found one that helped calm my rash.. but my consultant seemed slightly more concerned than before.. concerned enough to suggest we get a scan.. I clearly remember him telling me “i am sorry for putting you through this scan again, your a young lady and you’ll be exposed to more radiation, but I can’t justify not scanning you”.. he had an excellent manner and genuinely seemed to care which i found very comforting.. I remember telling him “im sure this isn’t lymphoma”… I was convinced he was over reacting..but i agreed to go ahead with the scan anyway.. every single inch in me was positive the scan would be fine.. 100% positive..

On the 20th of April i went for the PET scan.. i was fortunate enough to bump into Michelle the lovely radiographer who had looked after me before.. we caught up had a chat.. I remember telling her how sure i was my scan would be fine.. i was due to see my consultant a week later for the result (today)..

My appointment with my consultant to find out the result of my scan finally came.. today.. it was scheduled for 16:20 which meant i had plenty of time to go shopping.. my amazing friends had surprised me with a hen-do they have booked for me.. the plan was to fly out this Friday (two days time) to a resort in Turkey.. i was so excited.. going in for the result of my scan was not worrying me at all.. i was confident all would be good.. but just going to the appointment was mere inconvenience..i wanted all day to prepare for my upcoming trip…

So i was with my mum, driving towards our local shopping centre when I received a random call.. it was the receptionist from the ultrasound department.. she said she was calling to book me in for the biopsy of my lump… biopsy? What biopsy? Lump? I was convinced she was mistaken.. not me.. “i have no lumps” i told her.. but she was adamant im the right patient.. i struggled to process what she was saying and told her i was shocked as this is the first time i hear of a lump.. no one had told me.. i was in complete shock.. i could barely finish my sentance.. i told her i needed to speak to my doctors and ended the call swiftly.. sitting in my mums car i tried to gather my thoughts.. i felt my mind was racing like a bipolar person going through a manic phase.. my phone then rand again..
This time a doctor introduced himself and explained he was the consultant radiologist.. he apologised for the phonecall that was made to me and explained that they thought my haematology team would have contacted me by now to break the news to me.. still in total shock i explained to him how i am a doctor and a biopsy means there is something wrong.. i urged him to explain to me what is going on.. I couldn’t wait a few more hours to see me consultant haematologist.. i needed to know now.. i listened as he told how my scan which i had a week ago wasn’t good news.. it had shown changes which suggest my cancer is back.. which meant i needed a urgent biopsy.. he asked me if I could come in at 13:15 for the biopsy.. shutting my phone and in total disbelief i told my mum and we made a U turn and drove back home…

I went in a 13:15 today and had 3 samples taken from my necks.. a ultrasound guided biopsy.. the consultant radiologist showed me on the ultrasound all my abnormal looking lymph nodes.. he explained they look cancerous and they are back in the same places as before.. i am still in shock.. i feel as i am writing i am numb.. there is not much emotion in my writing.. i am just in shock..

After my biopsies i was seen by my haematologist.. the conversation we had was the exact same conversation as last year.. she told me my scan shows that i have most probably relapsed.. I should expect the worse.. the biopsy samples taken today will confirm the news.. in the mean time i need further tests to prepare me for chemotherapy.. yes.. chemotherapy.. chemotherapy again…

My mum fiance and close friend were by my side today in hospital.. at home there is this silence.. an unspoken sadness.. i feel every wall and every piece of furniture is mourning this painful news with us…

Two of my best friends came over to see me today.. i told them how i feel i only just briefly managed to inhale some fresh air after finishing chemo.. i didnt get to enjoy that fresh air i inhaled.. i havnt been given the chance to be happy to get married.. my wedding which we have booked and paid.. my beautiful hair which has began growing out.. here i am again.. history repeating itself..

Some of you may read this and think why am i so negative.. why am I writing prematurely when my biopsy result isnt back yet.. but until you walk in my shoes you will never understand me.. today i have been told enough and seen enough to know whats coming next.. 

Its tough.. i feel last year i had more time to process the news.. this time the way it was broken to me.. the unexpectedness.. it just makes it that much more bitter..

I genuinely believe there is a good reason behind everything… i am very positive i will be back on my feet in no time.. i will still go on my hen-do as this may be my last trip in forever.. but on a positive note you never know what the biopsy might show.. miracles happen..

I pray and hope for a miracle.. I pray and pray.. it will take a miracle..

But if its confirmed i have cancer.. i will beat it again and again.. i will never give up.. never..

I am a doctor training to be a general practionner. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt and a friend. On the 18th of May 2016 i was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma a form of blood cancer for which i have undergone treatment for over several months.

Today on the 11th of January 2017 at 17:20 (UK) i was told that i have finally gone into remission…

I am overwhelmed with joy and my eyes full of tears as I write.. I finally feel the thick metal chain which was wrapped around my neck has been lifted..

I will continue to undergo close follow up by my haematology team over the next five years.. after which i will be given the “all clear” if i am still in remission..

No words are enough to express my gratitude to everyone who stood by me and supported me through the most difficult days of my life.. my family, my partner, my inlaws, my relatives, my friends, my colleagues, my medical team, my community and to everyone i have met along the way.. my lymphoma buddy Rafif, the amazing patients Shirley and Diana who have stayed in touch, Michelle the beautiful radiographer.. Amy who did my wig.. Emma my personal trainer.. i could go on all day..

Finally a massive thank you to every single person who visited and read my blog.. those who messaged me.. you have overwhelmed me with your kindness and support and prayers which got me through this.. i started this blog as a way of expressing myself and raising awareness about lymphoma.. i did not expect my blog to be read in 81 countries across the world!! Thank you!

To everyone who prayed for me, contacted me, visited, sent me a card, a gift, or just simply thought of me i thank you from my heart.. my beloved community.. i thank you deeply..

I won’t be closing my blog, i will keep it open to share with you the next phase of my journey.. recovery.. 

This is the beginning of the end of my journey.. 

Lots of love, hugs and positive energy.. 

Milad xxx

Wow its been a while since i opened my blog and got behind the screen fingers on my keyboard writing away…

Quite a bit has happened since my last blog entry, there have been the downs but also good days..ill try my best not to waffle too much but give a concise update of events.. 

When i wrote my last blog entry I explained how happy i was that i was discharged from hospital, and the ‘collapse’ i had was put down to a medication i was given (i strongly agreed with this). That all changed three days later (after the weekend), i received a phone call from the hospital. One of the doctors called to tell me that they were worried my collapsed was due to a ‘fit’ (seizure), and that I shouldn’t drive until further notice in the mean time they are arranging for me to have a further brain tests (EEG). An appointment was made for me to see my consultant and so i went in and was basically told the same thing but face to face.. it was explained to me that chemotherapy can lower your threshold for having fits and thats what they think happened.. you’ve got to love chemotherapy right? I mean what side effect doesn’t come with it im intrigued! I was also told i would need to see a neurologist (brain doctor).

I really respect my doctors opinions and their concerns, but for me I don’t believe i have had a fit.. thats not because i feel ashamed to be labelled as having had a fit, nor am i’m worried about any taboo that might be associated with it (if there even is one), i’ve been very open about my health and accepting of all that i’ve been diagnosed with.. but honestly i am not one bit convinced about this.. its very frustrating because sometimes doctors don’t realise the implications of throwing around a diagnosis.. i’m sure most doctors reading this will relate.. its so easy to label a patient with something when you dont have a definitive answer.. how many times is this done by doctors, so they feel good about themselves, for plugging that medical hole of uncertainty with a diagnosis.. okay i know i am complaining a lot, but i am currently banned from driving for a minimum of 6 months and this may change to 12 or more (the reason there is a ban on driving is because you have to be seizure free for a certain period of time before you can drive again, out of concern that you may have another seizure and if it happens whilst you are driving it can be very dangerous to yourself and others)… here i am hoping to get better and resume normality and everyday something new gets in the way! 

Enough of the waffling and back to normal talk.. so i went along and had my EEG which looks for any seizure activity.. which is similar to an ECG (heart tracing) but this is a tracing of the brains electrical activity.. it was actually an interesting experience because i have sent patients to have an EEG’s, but i had never seen it being done (kerching! One to add to my book of medical experience).. unfortunately i wasn’t able to get any good photos that day as i was very ill and weak, barely able to stand on my feet (so embarrassing i had to be put into a wheelchair).. 

this is the only photo I captured.. so this was the bed i had to sleep on, and then wires (electrodes) are stuck to the scalp.. as i have a few hairs on my head it made it easier! The electrical activity of the brain is measured to look for any abnormalities..

This picture explains it better (taken from http://www.aviva.co.uk/health-insurance/home-of-health/medical-centre/medical-encyclopedia/entry/test-eeg/)

I am still waiting for the EEG test result and i am still waiting to see a neurologist.. i am hoping they will tell me i have not had a seizure and lift that driving ban! Yes I miss my car..

I also became unwell again not long ago and ended up in A&E.. how awkward and embarrassing it was to be taken to the hospital i have worked in, and to see my colleagues when i am wearing a robe and pyjamas about to throw up everywhere..   my rigors (shivers due to fever) started again.. earlier that day my PICC line had been flushed.. it felt like i was going to live my sepsis experience all over again.. thankfully as my immune system was not as low as last time (i wasnt neutropenic) i got better quickly.. my PICC line was found to be infected and had to be removed.. 

I feel so much better since my PICC line was removed.. finally i can shower without needing to wrap cling film around my arm.. and i can sleep in any position without worry! Unfortunately if i need more chemotherapy i will need another PICC line.. hopefully not!

I want to give a big shout out to the amazing A&E staff at my hospital, i have worked in A&E in the past and i know how challenging it can be, the care I received the night i was taken to hospital was just superb! I feel A&E staff dont get enough recognition for their hard work!

Okay i think im done with all the negative talk.. i’ve also had good times.. it was my mums birthday early in the month.. it was my first time going out for tea and dinner in months and months and months so that was great! It felt amazing to leave the house for a few hours.. FREEDOM! 

I am also so happy and thankful to have spent Christmas at home and not in the hospital! Its one of my favourite times of the year and i was so worried I wouldn’t be home that day.. oh and merry Christmas to those who celebrate it and happy holidays to everyone else! 

Here are a few pictures of my family’s christmas lunch!

So what next?

I have my PET scan coming up.. waiting nervously for that… i’m also waiting for the EEG result and neurologists input.. more and more patience!

Ending on a positive note..

From my beautiful cousin Sora.. miss you so much.. THANK YOU for this beautiful yellow rose – my favourite – LOVE U LOTS..

Finally.. this amazing book from a dear friend and fellow doctor Nesem.. THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH I LOVE IT!!!!!!!! It’s such a good book so far from what i’ve read.. would higly recommend it to everyone! Thank you Nesem.. this book will stay with me for life! Love you lots!!

Sending lots of love and festive wishes.. praying the new year brings some good news for everyone and for me i pray it’s the year i go into remission..
Lots of love and hugs xxxx

I’ve been finally discharged from hospital and i am back in the comfort of my own home. 

Wow, it feels so good to sleep in my bed, my own pillow and covers.. no beeping noises of patient bells and no nurse waking me up every few hours for blood pressure checks! Honestly there is nothing like home.. I am truly blessed to have a home and a loving family.. and to be living in a country which is safe.. i am so blessed for all the five senses i still have intact.. the ability to see, hear, taste, touch and smell.. to see my loved ones and hear them chat and laugh.. to smell and taste my mums food.. and to be able to hug my family.. we take everything from granted and forget to appreciate the small things in life.. i am thankful to be alive and well.. and thankful to still be writing..

Thankfully all my investigations came back normal.. I wasn’t surprised as i was always convinced what happened was due to a reaction to medication and nothing sinister! 

My ward:

I can’t thank my doctors and nurses enough as they were amazing, i was looked after very well during this admission and i know they went above and beyond to make sure they miss nothing. I must say though i am a nightmare patient.. I started refusing all my medications for the last day and a half and started threatening I would self discharge.. i basically had enough and wanted to be home.. Its funny because when i was in the shoes of a doctor i never understood patients who wouldn’t comply with their medications and threaten to self discharge.. as a doctor you think ‘after all that we are doing for you, you wont take your medications and threaten to self discharge!’.. I used to think how can some patients be so ungrateful.. it really used to irritate me.. however being in the shoes of a patient reality is very different.. i refused my IV drips and medication because i was feeling worse with them, i was throwing up after they were administered.. i am sure there was a psychological element to me throwing up after being given medications, but for me the bottom line was a) I felt better without them, b) I was never convinced i had a infection or anything serious and so felt there was no need for them.. “stubborn” was the word one of my nurses used to describe me.. “rebel” is what i call myself..

Can i just say.. i have had 2 brain scans in the space of a few days.. both of which are normal.. basically i am enjoying telling my family that my brain scans are normal incase they ever doubted it.. i’m sure they’ve always thought i have a few loose bolts.. well now we know my brain is intact its time to fix everything else!

As happy as i am that finally i’m back home, i absolutely gutted that my repeat PET scan has now been delayed till January.. I really wanted to start 2017 knowing the result of my PET scan.. but they want to make sure the result is accurate and there is no “false positive” result.. that means i still have to keep my PICC line in and go into hospital weekly to have it flushed and my dressing changed.. i am also still injecting myself daily.. 

You know what though.. its okay.. its just another test of my patience.. and as my consultant said “dont go from 0 to 100”.. basically i need to stop setting deadlines and take each day as it comes.. 

I am so happy it’s finally December.. i love the festive season.. even if I can’t go out to enjoy it i am lucky to be at home with my family.. 

Our Christmas tree is up..

As is my nieces advent calendar..

Thank you to everyone who visited, messaged or called.. to my family for always being by my side.. and my friends for all the support.. Thank you for for the chocolates, cards and gifts.. Unfortunately as my phone updated i lost a lot of photos from my phone which havnt been backed up which is so annoying.. i hope i can find a way to retrieve them/retake photos.. sorry for not posting pictures.. the only photo to survive..

Thank you Jumanah for spending hours with me in hospital and for the beautiful flowers.. I LOVE U SO MUCH.. thank you for always being there..

I have a colleague and friend who stood by me from day one when i fell ill and even attended my appointments with me.. she is a special loving and caring person.. unfortunately her dad is really unwell and has been in intensive care for a month now.. please pray for him and her family.. praying God gives her, her father and all her family the strength they need.. love you Sakeena.. thank you for visiting me in hospital even when your dad is so poorly.. true friends like you are rare and precious..

Sending lots of love and positive energy to eveyone xxxxx

Hello from my hospital bed S1..

Unfortunately yesterday didnt quite work out as i had planned.. The chemo session was by far my roughest so far with non stop vomitting which totally wore me out.. I had 3 of my 4 chemotherapy drugs given… because of the amount i had vomitted i was given a drip to hydrate me and the haemtology doctor prescribed me an additional anti sickness medication to be given through my PICC line to reduce the severity of my vomiting.. So that medication was started as was my fourth chemotherapy drug.. Then things went downhill from there..

What happened next? I really can not recall the events clearly, but from what i do remember and from what iv been told I became drowsy and wasn’t responding to my mum who then called out to the chemo nurse.. The nurse couldn’t wake me up either and so the doctors were called along with more medical staff.. The next thing I remember is hearing the doctor say open your eyes and giving me other instructions… My eyelids felt heavy but I could hear everything around me, I squeezed the doctors hand so he would know i could hear him.. Very shortly after i opened my eyes still feeling very sleepy, i had a oxygen mask on my face (which i pulled off – it’s not particularly comfortable) and i looking around me i could see a few faces staring at me.. It all sounds bizarre i know.. I’ve been told the event lasted 2-3 minutes and it took me 15 minutes to completely return back to normal!

I feel back to normal now.. What is normal? I have my usual post chemo nausea and vomiting.. No big deal.. I’m used to that..

I’ve been kept in hospital for tests to see what may have caused my “funny turn”.. I’m pretty confident it was the anti sickness drug i was given, but my doctors want to rule out anything more sinister.. 

Frustrated is a understatement of how i feel.. All i want is to be back in the comfort of my home watching TV and not being attached to drips.. But you know what.. its always easy to complain.. If the doctors dont take things seriously they are criticised.. and if they order every test under the moon they are criticised for over doing it.. Its a no win situation.. I am extremely thankful my consultant and the haematology team have been so great and are doing their best for me.. but i would love to just go home..

I guess your thinking did i finish my chemo and do i need more? I didn’t completely finish my chemo session as i had one drug to go, but the decision is i will have no further chemotherapy pending the result of my PET scan in a few weeks time…and that in itself is great news!

So now what? I’ve had a CT scan of my brain which has come back clear yipeeeee.. But now i need to have a MRI scan of my brain, heart tests and a lumbar puncture (taking fluid from around the spine- a procedure similar to epidurals which some ladies choose to have in labour).. In the mean time i am on antibiotics and antiviral medications through a drip to cover me for encephalitis – inflammation/infection of the brain.. Very unlikely i have this but until my tests come back clear they want to be cautious..

It probably sounds more dramatic than it is and a total over kill.. But that’s what medicine is a lot of the time.. The picture isn’t always clear so you try and approach it from different angels.. A bit like detective work.. Really interesting and fun.. But after all the hard work your not always left with a conclusive answer, simply because we are all different as individuals and our bodies are so complex and it will take many more years to understand it fully… The geek in me misses being at work! Doctor or patient? I’d pick the role of the doctor anyday!!
I hope what happened yesterday was a one off.. Im just a tad fed up.. Surely things will only get better right?  
Lots of love and positive energy.. 

I leave you with my current view..