Its good to be able to pick up my phone and write again.. even if its with just the one hand!

After over a day in hospital having some pre chemo checks i can finally say I have started chemotherapy again. 

I had a new PICC line inserted into left arm, after three failed attempts they managed to get one in. Unfortunately its left my arm feeling very sore so im not moving it much. My previous picc lines and chemo damaged veins mean its getting harder to put a line in each time. Nevertheless enough weeping im thankful and grateful to have the PICC line. 
(Sorry for the use of medical jargon, for those who havnt followed my blog; a PICC line is a long plastic tube inserted into a vein in the upper arm using a needle, the tube is fed through the vein all the way to the tip of the heart – its through this tube i recieve the chemo – this PICC line can last for months, making it useful for those needed treatment over a long time – like me – unfortunately…)

This chemo regime is called ESHAP, its what is known as ‘salvage chemotherapy’, even as a medic im not quite sure how to fully explain it, but the best way i can think of describing it is as a ‘rescue’ chemo which is more intense than before. Its made up of 4 chemo drugs, the chemo runs over 5 days (yes five!) for 24 hours non stop.. i will be in hospital throughout the duration, and go home once i am stable enough.. then three weeks later i will be back to repeat this all again! So this is my new bestie who is attached to me by the hip.. no PICC (lame joke!!.. chemo brain kicking in! and no my new bestie has no name yet..): 

(Sorry the picture is dark.. its still 5am and i am too tired and weak to try and find the light switch.. not in the mood for a proper photoshoot session with my drip!)
Im really happy to be holding my phone and writing (i hope i am making sense today).. i started the chemotherapy yesterday and lets just say its as horrible as i imagined if not worse.. its still early days (less than 12 hours so far) and i have been told to expect much more side effects with this chemo regime.. but the one thing that hit me pretty quickly is immense pain all over my body.. now I don’t know what everyone else experiences, but this is just my individual experience.. the best way to describe it is as if someone has beaten you and up and completely bruised you (disclaimert. I havnt been beaten up in the past – thankfully).. i feel now im getting used to the pain and feeling so sore.. just laying in bed is painful, or even trying to undress.. its touching the surface of my skin which feels like it is battered… luckily i have managed to get four hours of sleep (hence why i am so perky and able to write), i am now getting used to staying still in one position so im not moving my body much and feeling the pain.. that is my main symptom so far… ill keep you posted as things change when the chemotherapy begains to kick in more… 
One last rant.. with this particular chemotherapy one of the biggest concerns is damage to the kidneys, so i am on a drip of fluids all day (to hydrate the kidneys) and a medication (IV diuretic – for those who understand my jargon) which makes you pass urine every hour to flush the fluid out.. i am really sorry for sharing too much information (hopefully no one is offended) but i am trying to explain that it is really really difficult feeling weak and dragging a drip backwards and forwards to the toilet all day.. another reason why this chemo regime is horrible!

Today is a very important and special day.. its my sisters engagement today.. my older sister (before rumours start flying around lol!).. i am so so so happy for her but every inch in me feels so broken.. and i write this as my tears flow down.. i am so heartbroken that i miss both her wedding and engagement as i am in hospital.. I wasn’t allowed to delay my treatment and i am tied to a hospital bed so I can’t physically be there.. now what people don’t understand is the guilt that comes with being ill.. when you are ill it seems like everything is about you.. this all couldn’t have happened at a worse time.. i feel i cant be there for my sister but worse i feel her day will never be the same.. i know how upset and devastated she is because of my health and how insistent she was to cancel everything.. but life goes on.. and Maryam if you ever read my blog.. i am so sorry for this.. you deserve to get married in better circumstances.. i wish i could be there.. she has stood by me through the thick and thin and i feel i am letting her down.. i dont know why i am writing this here.. im not good at expressing my emotions.. my blog is where i vent.. i just pray no one is put in this situation.. no one can be fully happy on their big day knowing they have a family member in hospital.. i genuinely look up to my sister and she makes me feel so proud.. she is the most selfless human i have ever met.. if hearts were measured in gold hers would be way off the scales.. i hope today and the wedding day go by as best as they can.. and that my situation does not change any of the beautiful moments which are meant to be… after all that.. I forgot to say.. Congratulations big sis i love you more than the world times a billion trillion.. 

Ok enough crying and writing, my nurse will think i am loosing it.. as thats the last thing i need lol (not to say there is anything wrong with mental health problems – which i believe are equally important as physical health problems! Half the time i sound like a MP who is desperately trying to be politically correct.. *rolls eyes*)
To my fiancé, family and friends.. and everyone.. i love you all.. thank you for the messages prayers and support… 

My fiance (my all.. so cheesy.. but you are my rock) and family (my incredible mum, dad and sisters) are everything.. they havnt left my side.. my inlaws I know you dont read my blog but i love you.. my amazing friend Avan thank you for being by my side and holding my hand when chemo was started yesterday.. my MIK (Jumanah, Zahra, Jich, Neam, Iman, Huda, Sama and Fatty) love u all!

Sending everyone lots of love and prayers during these holy days of the Islamic prayers.. please keep me in your prayers which i am in desperate need for.. now more than ever xxxx